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Dammit. I hate myself again. (Updated)

Today is a very different day from yesterday. I woke up in a good mood but it quickly turned sour. Everything is setting me off. I hate Christmas. I procrastinated it because of I was too depressed to care. Unfortunately no cares, that I didn't care and now we're expected to spend tomorrow afternoon in our hometown and then Christmas Even and Christmas Day with his and my families respectively. At our house. Yes, we have 10 adults and 9 children under 10 let will be in our house all at one time. It's a fucking mess. Our tress has lights on and that's it. I haven't properly cleaned this house since before Baby Haa arrived. I'm freaking out and my husband is just getting mad at me for being negative. He doesn't get how anxious having to do all this family shit makes me. I'm just supposed to suck it up. Meanwhile I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate and have been crying all morning. My mom will be here in a couple hours. Oh and I didn't mention it but she got into a huge fight with my dad when he pointed out that she handled my PPD in all the wrong ways. They aren't speaking. My mom sent me a typed letter in the mail basically saying all the shit she should have said in the first place. It doesn't feel sincere at this point. And I can't seem to get her to understand I just don't have the strength to deal with her and my issues yet. Basically I have to fake being happy for the next 4 days and I don't think I can do it. I know I'll get drunk and be a bitch or cry or worse. And on a more shallow note. Fuck. I am sick of looking like I am 4 months pregnant in anything I wear that isn't a baggy sweatshirt. I just want to disappear and come back in 2014. 2013 can eat shit and die.

ETA: oh good I just flipped out on my husband, he got mad back, and after we got done with our screaming match I feel a bit better. The fuck is wrong with me? We hate each other and now I feel like I can function again. My brain is so fucked up.


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