So a friend of mine who lives down the street just called to tell me that there have been 2 break-ins in our neighborhood today.

I was like:

Because this is generally a VERY safe neighborhood. There is very little crime. We have 6 or 7 police officers living here, for fuck's sake.

However, I have locked my doors and have been peering suspiciously out the windows all day. Like so:

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I also have a makeshift machete at the ready (it's actually a giant industrial pizza-cutter blade thing. Whatever, it's sharp). And my cat. He's got lots of sharp bits, but I don't know what good he'll be in a fight. Probably none.

Whatever, I don't need him.