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Welcome To The Bitchery

So I've been forcing myself to put effort in on this front in hopes that I'll weed through all the damn mental problems I forged for myself back in high school. I've chronicled my parent's mediocre job before, so all I'll say this time is they were very unclear, I over interpreted everything they did say, and ended up thinking all this fucked up shit and subsequently never talked to women or anything. I still feel a twinge of guilt talking to girls I'm interested in. I feel a bit more guilt going on dates. And I definitely feel guilt "doing" anything with women.

Until very recently I never realized that dating was an acceptable activity for me to partake in, or that receiving affection from someone was something that I deserve. I dunno if that's the right word, I don't really like it, but I never even thought that I was applicable for somebody else's affection. Sounds fucked up, right? But on a fundamental level I just never believed that I would ever participate in such things.


Anyway, this stuff has all gotten better since I moved out 4 years ago, but it still trips me up. Right now I've been seeing this girl for a bit over a month and things seems to be going well. I'm wigging myself out because I over-think everything, but the biggest thing so far is that she hasn't been doing very much initiating. We have a good time when we see each other, but it's mostly because of my doing that we see each other in the first place. At first she initiated a few times, and then she got busy but still made an effort to see me even though she was, and now as far as I now those couple busy weeks are over and she isn't texting or anything unless I do. I've just been feeling inadequate lately, and scared because I have no idea what's going on.

Part of me wants to ask her straight-up what she is looking for right now. But the other part of me doesn't want to be too annoying since we just (as in two Sunday's ago) had one of those non-romantic talks where I foolishly forgot that question. She knows my inexperience with these things and has even expressed some concerns regarding it, but says that I don't act like she thought someone as inexperienced as me would act. Maybe I'll send an email because then I can choose my words carefully and ease my mind. This unknown is worse than not doing anything and being completely inept.

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