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Dating is Bullshit and I Hate it: extended version/explanation

Sorry for the short, frustrated outburst earlier, here's the explanation of what's going on:

I've told you guys that I met this guy I was really starting to get interested in. We've been talking and seeing each other for a few weeks, and things were going really well. We would text almost daily, we went on some fun dinner dates, etc. Well, this past weekend he took me out to dinner, and then invited me back to his apartment. He made me dessert from scratch and bought me my two favorite wine varieties, and we spent the whole night talking and listening to music on his balcony. We kissed and he told me that he really really liked me and had looked forward to this all week, and had called his best friend out of state to tell him about me. We talked at length about what we were looking for out of a relationship, and I opened up to him about some of my past, and he talked a little about his divorce. It felt very intimate.

I stayed over that night, and things got physical, but we didn't have penetrative sex, despite the fact that we were both enthusiastically into it. He told me that he wanted to wait to do that so that we would have something more to look forward to, and also so that I'd know that he didn't want me to feel pressured at all. At one point, he held me close and told me again that he was really into me, and asked if I felt the same way, because he had a fear of being more invested in a budding relationship than the other person, and that this sort of thing felt hard and scary to him. I told him I felt the same way and that I was really enjoying our time together, and told him that I'd been totally celibate for a year and a half by choice, so I wanted him to know that without trying to rush into anything, this intimate time we were sharing was special to me.

Anyway. I didn't sleep at all that night due to my normal chronic insomnia that prevents any type of regular sleep if I'm not on my medication (which I had neglected to bring that night) Also, the power went out, so we were restless and stirring a lot. We got up that next morning and I ended up driving him to work because his bike had broken down. There was kind of a weird vibe as we left, but I chalked it up to the poor sleep we got, his transportation issues, him being late to work, mild hangover from the wine, etc. We hugged when I dropped him off, and he thanked me for coming over but didn't say anything else.

So, I got home, and my mind started kicking into overdrive. Later he texted me and told me he had fun, and that he didn't want me to feel upset or rejected at the fact that we didn't have full sex the night before. He figured it'd be better to wait because we were both kind of tipsy the night before. I told him it was perfectly fine and that I had a great time too.

So here's where I'm at now. It's been radio silence ever since then. Didn't talk to him at all Monday after the initial text or yesterday, which is not at all characteristic of how it's been up until now. I reached out to him this morning and it was just totally flat, short responses, with no inquiry into how I'm doing. No talk of future plans. Nothing. I'm upset. I'm trying to not slip over into "fuck this guy" mode. I feel like I'm being slow faded, but I don't know if that's really the case or just my anxious mind trying to self sabotage and pull me down the rabbit hole because I'm scared of being hurt.

My fear though, is that he thought over our time together and just decided he wasn't into it anymore, which sucks. I know I should just take things like this in stride, but SHIT, it feels SO HARD to find someone you actually connect with, then you DO finally hit it off with a person and stuff falls apart so quickly. I've online dated on and off since 2011 and it just feels like a nonstop string of rejection and wasted time. I'm kind of afraid too that he's just decided that a professional with an advanced degree and a nice condo has no business dating a 26 year old college student who works at a coffee shop.

I'm super bummed and confused and don't know what to do now. I feel like there are all of these games that people play, and I really don't like doing that, so I call when I want to call and text when i want to text, but I still lose out. Like it's always coming across as too needy, too clingy, or too frigid and not open enough. It's beyond frustrating.

Fucking overanalyzing brain. I just want the insecure voices in my head to shut the fuck up.


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