I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person who gets low-grade heart attacks from finally hitting it off with someone after a string of not-so-great experiences, right?
I just started online dating again recently, and I've met someone I really like. I haven't been in a long term relationship in a few years, but I've dated a lot and had some not stellar experiences, like most people in my shoes, I'm sure. I've got to be honest though and say that I've avoided dating for 2 reasons over the past year: 1. I genuinely had other things that were more pressing and required all of my attention (going back to college, mainly) and 2. The fear was just too great. With everything else I was doing, I didn't want to risk heartbreak in the midst of it. I'm in a better place now, and I feel like I'm ready to get to know someone, and I think I've got it by now that the only way I can truly be "in" this is to step back and let it do it's own thing, and have a modicum of trust in wherever things are headed. I don't want to press or put pressure on what's basically a fledgling relationship and try to force an outcome, nor do I want to swing the other direction and be cold/removed and just wait for him to make all the moves or bolt because I'm afraid. I just want to be present and enjoy it, but it's, well, kind of fucking hard. And it's really surprising to me, actually. Everything feels like it's new again. I feel super fucking awkward and nervous/teenager-y. It's exciting in an-I'm-going-to-throw-up-on-my-shoes-a-tiny-bit way. Let that be a testament to the fact that I dig this person a lot, I guess.
It's just like, I've got plenty of evidence that he likes me a lot too, but it gets hard to not zero in on irrational fears like..."he was really quiet yesterday morning when I left" (he was late to work, the power went off in the middle of the night, I forgot my insomnia medication and didn't sleep at all, so we were both a little frazzled) but in my head that twists around and becomes "WHAT IF IT'S BECAUSE HE DOESN'T LIKE ME?" or the fact that he hasn't texted me this afternoon (he's getting ready to leave for a wedding in a few days and is in the middle of a huge project at work) It's dumb. I feel like I've been dating long enough to know better but I still get so scared around people I truly like. It's never like this with people I've gone out with a few times and feel lukewarm about.
Ugh, guys, I just don't want to mess this up. I get into this anxious place and want to run for the hills. My therapist and I talked about this at length the last time I was in a similar position and she basically told me I have to resist the urge to self sabotage, but it's hard to know what to do instead. Make any sense?