Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery

So there was the thingthis morning about the HILARIOUSLY privileged and clueless guy who wanted to be poly but didn't think it meant his fat girlfriend would be getting any play.


In the comments there was some debate about whether or not this was legit. I think the consensus was that it was a little too on the nose to be totally true, and the fact that he FetLife mentions FetLife FetLife ever FetLife FetLives makes me give it the side-eye. On commentator mentionedthat this is apparently a job that people are paid money to do or something.


Well I can do that! Here's a sample of some of my work:

For SwapnSwing.com:

I'll admit it: my wife and I were in a rut, sexually, and also our couch was beginning to fall apart. When my wife suggested we try out SwapnSwing, I was super skeptical. At first it was the typical stuff: laughing at people's typos, trying to figure out if that person in the gimp suit was someone we knew, scratching our heads at the incredibly high opinion some of these swingers had of their crappy old couches. But then one day, we struck gold: There was a listing that fit us perfectly:

Bi MF couple seek same for hookup and have convertible sofa for sale, $50 OBO. Light bondage, pegging, cross-dressing; sofa has one or two stains and a little wear around edges but otherwise in great shape.

Right then and there, we knew we'd found the site for us. Our sex lives and our home decor have never been better.


for MedievalMeetUps.net

I'd been burned by so-called medievalist dating sites before. You know how it goes: you're getting into some hot and heavy Lancelot/Guinevere chat, and you mention the Alliterative Mort and they say, "That's the one by Malory, right?" Most of the people on there are just Early Modernists slumming it or Poststructuralist literary theorists who are always trying to deconstruct you. Once I swear a site tried to set me up with someone who worked with the Long 18th Century — not a chance.

What sets MedievalMeetUps apart is its patent-pending algorithm that matches you up based on interests, values, area of study, knowledge of Middle English dialects, and your horoscope as described in the Man of Law's Tale. Trust me: you'll never get stuck with some asshole who's trying to sneak Spenser into the Middle Ages again.


for VanilLife.com

If you saw me on the street, you'd probably think I was just another kinky fetishists, with all the whips and chains and leather. But I've got a secret: I've got a Vanilla streak through me like the part of Neapolitan ice cream no one wants to eat. I fought it for so long, but one day I just had to check out VanilLife, and I haven't looked back. Don't get me wrong: I would never leave my kinky life behind forever, but I just have to have that thrill of laying next to someone, feeling her warm breath, and hearing her whisper, "Okay but make it quick, honey: I've got to take the kids to band practice early tomorrow."

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