In the month post dumping, I have settled myself into a pretty decent breakup recovery mode, and I’d say I’m about 90-95% over the hump. It’s been helpful knowing dude is out of the province for the ENTIRE month of July (not that a bump-in is super likely anyway, he occupies a very different part of campus than I do, but we find ourselves attracted to similar events and activities in the city - after this month of guaranteed non-contact I’m pretty confident that I’ll survive if/when I bump into him and his new OkC beau[s]).
I’ve been reading and re-reading Ask Polly articles (someone on GT recommended her to me, and now I forget who, but THANK YOU.) I’ve been journaling. I’ve been mostly ignoring my thesis (jesus christ I’m going to have to stop doing that). I’ve been crocheting pairs upon pairs of tiny baby shoes for all my pregnant friends. I’ve been getting in touch with Very Important People (“HEY GUYS I STILL EXIST”) to ensure I’ll have reference letters for when I re-apply for the PhD program in December (oh my god I hate that I am contemplating doing this but that’s another post for later. Seriously, I will need to talk to you fellow academics and/or therapists).
Basically I feel like I’m doing a pretty okay job of most things, particularly as they pertain to singlehood. Immediately post breakup I reactivated my OkC account long enough to delete the messages I exchanged with the last dude, then closed it up again. I’ve been leaning heavily into the idea of being single for the long haul (or maybe more accurately, being comfortable with it should things play out that way; the idea of going looking/getting back online is exhausting) and waiting around until I meet somebody rad who wants to legitimately date. Not just “hang out and watch a movie or something.” Not just do something casual because I’m “super chill” (how do I keep coming across as chill?!). I’d love to be with someone who’s as into me as I am into them and who doesn’t flinch the second things heat up. I’m willing to wait for that! I don’t want babies so there’s no ticking clock; if it takes two months or ten years I’ll be just fine. (I was particularly pumped up after reading this article in particular, the first recommended to me....HOW DO YOU NOT FEEL AMAZING AFTER READING THAT?!)
Here’s the rub (heh): I’m totally game to wait for something great. I’m also completely fine with waiting to sleep with someone until things heat up. ALSO I have maybe, possibly, in the last two weeks or so, allowed my “slutty twenties” to bleed into my 30th year. I had a one night stand with a dude a few weeks ago who didn’t call afterward (HUGE relief, he was an awful kisser), and slept with another guy this past weekend. Second dude wants to “hang out” on Thursday. “Sure!” I said. Sex is fun and I like it! He’s cute, he thinks I’m a babe, and he’s kind of a kinky lay. (OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I AM LONG OVERDUE FOR SOME KINK). He’s also 33 and lives with his sister and his room was a mess and I’m not sure he has any real career aspirations (although he is gainfully employed).
As an aside, he also told me I am whimsical. ...I have mixed feelings about this descriptor. It feels a little manic-pixie dream girl to me?
All that to say: I don’t think there’s any possible future for us to date, but we can probably enjoy some fun sex? I also don’t begrudge him for just wanting to “hang” as I kiiiiind of set a precedent for casual non-date times by going home with him the night I met him.
ANYWAY THAT WAS A LOT OF BUILD UP TO THE FOLLOWING CROWD SOURCING QUESTION:
Should I be cutting these types of dudes/encounters out in an effort to meet someone I’d really love to date/who would love to date me?
More specifically, am I wasting my time and energy by indulging in casual sex with undateable dudes, or is it a benign/fun time killer between Relationship Guys (TM)? Does indulging in fun with dudes you know you don’t have a future with interfere with finding something more meaningful, or is it the kind of silly shit you only get to do when you’re single, #YOLO etc?
I obviously don’t have any hangups about being “slutty” - I’ve had great sexual experiences in the context of long-lasting and loving relationships, and some insane once-in-a-lifetime sex with relative (or literal) strangers. I guess I’m more generally wondering if “hanging out” and zipless fucks are actively interfering with the longer term goal of meeting someone amazing, or if I should just let loose and have fun with the belief that it will all work out regardless?
Tell me your thoughts, GT. What have your experiences been with single living/slutty v. non-slutty adventures?
(For the record, I’m definitely doing this Thursday hangout; UPDATES ON FRIDAY!)