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Day 1: The Tinder Chronicles

Illustration for article titled Day 1: The Tinder Chronicles

I went ahead and downloaded Tinder because... fuck it! I’ve had it for one whole day and here are my findings:


Surprisingly, I have not been asked to hook up or been sent any unsolicited genitalia. Yay for that! That was kinda my number one fear, I’m not really a hook up kinda person. Not to be superficial but you can kinda tell by pictures which guys are strictly there to bang.

If I see one more picture of a hipster bro wearing sunglasses on top of a mountain I am going to puke. Seriously though. If any men are listening, your hiking pics are neither original nor interesting. When I go do stuff in nature I don’t take pictures because I’m too busy looking at fucking nature to care who knows I’m there (consequently if you ever stop hearing from me send a search party to the wilderness).


If they don’t have a hiking-because-I-love-nature-because-I’m-so-fucking-cool pic, it’s abs or biceps or gym pictures. If your picture is just your stomach with no face imma pass on that dude.

The rest are what I can only assume are agency bros. The worst bros. These are the type of guys who watch Entourage. Enough said.


I managed to strike up a conversation with two matches. One is a tattooed guy who looks like a teddy bear and the other is a guy whose main pic is him holding a bottle of wine so I think we’ll get along. Both immediately asked about my instagram, which is almost exclusively pictures of personalized license plates so I guess that’s a good ice breaker. Wine guy apparently went to school in Chicago and was quick to ask to meet for drinks, but also was quick to be like oh wait I’m going out of town next week. Don’t you know you’re supposed to pull that after you go on a date with someone wine guy?? Like, “Oh sorry can’t hang out I’m leaving for the Peace Corps tomorrow and won’t be back for a year” duh!

Tinder seems harmless so far, but I don’t like that it requires your facebook. Some people don’t have facebook for their own reasons and sometimes I just don’t think it’s necessary to use facebook as proof that you’re a real person, it’s very easy to create a fake profile.


Here’s the stats so far:
Matches: 9
Conversations: 2
Murders so far: 0 (I’m still alive guys!)
Headless abs: ~3 (I’ll try to keep a better count next time)
Arms wide open mountaintop pics: too many

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