Yup more acronyms.
I’m assuming that some of the people who do DBT have problems listening to other people. I don’t, unless I think what you are saying is unmerited or I am really stuck in my ways, but 80% of them I can listen to other people. Or I guess if a doctor is saying it, I might be a bit over react-y.
This is still in interpersonal skills. You use GIVE when talking to other people and to build relationships. GIVE means:
G - Be Gentle
I- Act Interested
E- Have an easy manner
It’s kinda like my lifetime rule of “Don’t be a dick” or “Be excellent to each other.”
Well this seems simple enough. I use this constantly on my Dad, which considering he doesn’t listen at all or reciprocates, I think I probably shouldn’t be using it on him. I’m not exactly sure who this is for, because I as mentioned earlier I already do this naturally. The one thing that’s kinda useful, is that it can make me calmer when dealing with my Dad.
For example, I often bring the past with me everywhere. I remember previous conversations. I basically think the past will be the future. I find that if I consciously try to GIVE, that I don’t bring in previous conversations and I get less annoyed with him. Of course, until he pushes my buttons. I think the formula is useful for breaking thought patterns. Now whether or not it’s useful all the time I’m sure. I’m fairly certain that some kinds of people will take advantage of your giving them their time.
With skills like this, it’s important to remember the other skills you learn through DBT.
1) That you are important
It’s important to GIVE, but not to the point where you feel like you are being used or that you have to do this. When my Dad talks to me, he steals all of my time and energy. He is soul sucking. I feel like I have to keep talking to him, because he needs it. But like I mentioned last week, this is also triggering for me because it feels like I am being taken hostage. Even though, I try to GIVE, I have to remember that my time is important and I am allowed to walk away when I don’t want to talk anymore.
I wanted to talk about this one a little more in therapy. But private therapy was cancelled.
and I skipped group!
I wasn’t going to, and I was advised to miss group because I was flying out the same day. Flying doesn’t scare me. I am good in airports. I travel a lot, so I kinda know my way around most kinds of mass transit. I didn’t mind coming in before I flew, but wowwwww that caused anxiety for everyone. It was making me anxious to listen to the concern of everyone else. ‘OMG airports!” “But you’ll miss your plane” (I don’t need to be at the airport for 5 hours.). When people say stuff like that to me, I wonder if they think I am incompetent. I know it has nothing to do with me, but it bugs me. I haven’t flown in years, but they do make it simple. I’m also a super privileged white person, no one is gonna bother me and I have nothing to hide. Even though, I wanted the feedback on GIVE. I didn’t want to listen to everyone’s worries about airplanes. So I skipped. I wasn’t very “GIVE”ing, I suppose. Good boundary skills?
I understand people get anxious about that stuff, but it’s not helpful. If you can’t keep it to yourself, state things that are useful. “Remember to put your travel shampoos in a ziplock bag for security!” “Get there a little early in case of traffic.” “Oh that makes me anxious!” e.g When you all go to the doctor I don’t shout “YOU ARE GONNA GET BUTCHERED.” I wanna shout that, but I also don’t believe it’s true. Yes, it happened, it happened to me, but I don’t think it will happen every time. I replace my fear with useful facts: I say “Keep your wits about you and bring an informed friend who will fight on your side! Tape everything that is said.”
I’m doing a whirlwind tour of Copenhagen. It’s good because I have to use all of my therapy skills. I’ll have to fight my urge to stay indoors, but right now sleep is winning. It’s battle I want to loose, because OMG I haven’t really slept well in almost a week. I’m totally exhausted and staying in tonight. I thought I’d go out, but I’m kinda burnt out from all the stuff I’ve already done.
But there’s a city... with yummy food.... and pretty lights.