I’m super late this Sunday. Basically work and a friend event and just a busy week. Ended up doing a lot of trauma work this week, I’m not gonna go into that too much but I bounced back a lot quicker than usual. It didn’t ruin my weekend or my day. In fact, I managed to get back into my body on my walk home.
Work was good actually, and so was the friends event and both could have gone bad.
At my one job, I messed up. I was doing the work of 4 people, and I handled it, but one of my jobs, I screwed up. I put together something not exactly right, well backwards and I didn’t notice. I was really obsessed with getting these numbers all lined up, and I forgot about the corners. Everything it made, was wrong. Luckily, I didn’t make that much. Normally, when my boss would tell me this I’d punish myself for days, actually years. “How could I have done that?” “I’m so stupid.” And I didn’t. I wanted to cry (because I always do when I feel like I may have endangered my job. FYI I’ve only cried at the workplace twice. Once for a minor explosion and another time because I got laid off suddenly.) and I acknowledged in my head ‘it’s okay to be sad’. I took a minute. Then I asked to be shown the right way, so I could do it better next time and moved on. I didn’t dwell on it or beat myself up. I immediately accepted it, didn’t use it to destroy my personal worth and will make it better.
At the friend event we went out all together and saw some live music. I don’t like live music. I usually want to leave. I feel like I have to act a certain way and I never really enjoy myself, because I don’t want to draw attention to me. The loud noise bothers me. I usually wear earplugs to cut the edge. I am the person who dances and sings alone in their apartment and maybe with close friends at parties. Never at a public venue. Just nope. People love to open their mouth and let mean things fall out. I decided to do the opposite. Instead of sit the whole time, I stood. Instead of bobbing my head in appreciation, I danced. Instead of lip-sycning, I sang aloud. (Not disruptively loud) AND IT WAS GREAT!
Then Someone behind me said at me “Put your ass in your seat!” and I turned around gave my biggest glare my thought was “You don’t get to talk to me like that!”, and continued dancing. They recoiled and then moved.
Normally, I go over “Oh I should have sat down, maybe they couldn’t see. Maybe they can’t stand to for too long. Did I overreact? I should be more considerate!” or I would have been pissed I didn’t do anything or sad that I was scolded for dancing. aka “I shouldn’t have had fun at all.” The thing is, if I sat down, I wouldn’t have been able to see and I would have been miserable. They moved, solved their problem and I didn’t let their comment bother me the whole night.
It’s not the biggest victory, but it’s progress. It means change is happening and that’s a good thing.