It's the first time back in group after a long hiatus. I also had two weeks off private sessions.
There are new people in the group, I'm gonna say very little about the other people to protect their privacy.
Mostly I was disappointed with the return to group.
Now the session wasn't bad. It's now twice the size of what it was, so it's a little less focused. And welllllll….
Okay, I'm disappointed that all the new people have anxiety disorders. I was kinda hoping for another PTSD or C-PTSD person because I relate to their experience more so than I relate to anxious people.
That's not to say they don't have something to offer me, they do, but it's alienating to be the only person with rage issues.
We had a discussion about how I hate being touched from behind (like people pulling themselves using the back of my seat) and how that causes me to have murderous rage. I was asked
"Like were you scared like when you have to public speak?"
"Well public speaking doesn't bother me, and that's nerves which I can manage. This is rage, I want to smash their face in so they no longer exist. I need to make them suffer and not be alive." (The other reaction is terror, and I curl up into a ball.)
Group leader "It's good that you know that and can take of yourself so you don't do anything impulsive."
The group leader briefly discussed my possible reaction if I acted impulsively and punch and how I might feel guilt for doing what I did. I didn't say anything, but I wasn't afraid of the guilt. That will come later once the rage clouded brain settles down, but I'm scared that I'll enjoy it and I won't be able to stop. I did mention being I afraid that I wouldn't stop, but not the enjoyment part. I already felt a little alone being the violent one.
(Insert Arrow pic, because I can) I've started taking private lessons in Krav Maga. This was partially to quell my fear of my pyscho student, and it's worked well. But I really really really like hitting people with their consent. I do apologize when I've done it too hard, or not what he was expecting. I do feel a little bad. I like Krav maga because it's not suppose to be expected. I have a private teacher and it's exciting and it feels really good to just let some of it go. I'm still present, actually more in present than normal, and it feels good. It's like pain I can control. I want to do more, but I know group lessons would overwhelm me right now and I need to stay in check of my need to hit. I either need to get into a boxing ring once a week or invest in a punching bag for my apartment.
Back to the anxious group.
Admittedly, I'm finding out that I have a history with anxious people. I'm very cautious around them because I have found that some of them will basically exhaust or control you with their anxiety. Both of my exs had generalized anxiety disorders. One managed it better, but it didn't make him less exhausting, he'd still use the excuse "I can't be considerate because of my anxiety and CBT says I need to always put me first." AKA It's okay for me to be an asshole and treat you like shit because CBT!! When I sense an anxious person, I immediately put up my guard and get ready not to submit to their demands. I have a tendency to be a 'saviour' so I have in the past bent over backwards to accommodate people and anxiety is one emotion that when I feel it in other people, I want it to stop.
On the other hand, I have met people who deal with it in a healthy manner, so I can't just immediately judge everyone.
It will be interesting to see what happens as months unfold. There's something to be learned.