I've divided this one, so you don't have to read the upsetting part.
I'd suggest reading the angry rant part first and then the first part. I've put the 'positive part' first so people can avoid triggers.
Admittedly my memory is fragmented this week. I'm probably not being entirely fair. I went and saw my old therapist to basically apply water to my DBT burn. I'll mention it to new therapist when I see them next that it was a really hard session for me and it really put me in a bad place.
The only thing I remember other than my angry rant was when the new therapist said "What you think is right and what they think is right in their mind too. Both are valid." I immediately thought, everything I think and feel is wrong. I told them this and they mentioned I need to work on that and trust myself again. I got a whole bunch of sheets on self validation which I haven't looked at.
We talked a lot about saying No, and how my body language doesn't match my feelings. I smile a lot as a protective barrier. It stops me from crying. It stops me from yelling. From feeling awkward. I've used it to get through so many things. I'm suppose to work on noticing it. I do notice it, and it does annoy me sometimes because it doesn't send the right message. I know that it, but the alternative right now is for me to start screaming at people.
I don't remember much of the group session this week. It was on mindfulness. We oddly did a puzzle for mindfulness which I really enjoyed because I find that puzzles, particularly 'find the missing thing' make me focus. They also calm me down sometimes. I didn't really feel like me. I felt more like a monster waiting to jump out of my skin, so I just pretended to be me.
We talked a bit about looking weak. How a lot of us never ask for help, because we are so afraid of the rejection. But even when rejected you still have yourself.
I didn't explain exactly why I was so pissed to the old therapist, but they managed to help me put myself back together. By making me realize that I need to take some control and that leaving is as good as saying no. They also got me focused back on my tasks and my art making and that yes the world is messed up, but that doesn't mean we should stop enjoying things or want to blow it up.
/Negative Angry rant (TW... Probably all of them)
I was rubbed pretty raw and felt a lot like an exposed nerve which then resulted in one horrible spiral. I went and saw my old therapist who I had left on a happy note about feeling like I could take charge again. They were a little shocked that I immediately went on a sobbing rant about the meaninglessness of life and that it's utterly pointless to continue living. That I'm simply not meant for this world and that it doesn't matter what you do. Life will always be a constant cycle of happiness, nothingness and misery. That you are constantly told how you need to change. How the way I am must be wrong. How everything must have happened because of my deeply flawed personality. How I'm just at the point of going fuck it, and letting it all go and becoming a monster. Because it seems like to me that you need to treat people as though they are worthless to get far in life. Don't try to understand them. Don't empathize. Just look out for number one. Just literally fuck everyone as much as you can. Become the abuser because that's the only person people seem to give a fuck about and only people that ever manage to get anywhere. (One of my exes got a big promotion that week and I got a job taken away from me because I argued to be paid) It's always "well so and so has been through things." "Well if you weren't so understanding and compassionate". "well you need to understand" "well you need to be the better person." "Maybe if you just said no". "Did you say no?". "How about trying to say no"
I said fucking no. But no one fucking listens.
And the consequences of saying NO are often far worse than compromise or not saying anything. There are literally situations where you can't just say NO and get away with zero damage. There are no win scenarios. So don't sit here and tell me for almost an hour new therapist about how I need to say NO more. I am not fucking doormat, but sometimes I say yes, when I mean no, because omg the NO is far worse. Anyone who doesn't know that is lucky because it means you haven't lived in fear of another person. Anyone who doesn't know what it's like to be controlled by another person, has no idea what it means to say no to them. By implying I am some kind of doormat makes me feel worthless which I ready feel like everything I think and feel is wrong. One of the reasons why I like Octavia Butler books so much because most of her characters are put into situations that are so awful that you cannot win. You only can survive and live another day, and sometimes to survive you don't get the luxury of saying NO. It's comforting to actually relate to a character and say "I know that feeling. I know that pain."
Sometimes I don't say no, because it's not the right thing to do. I am willing at times to say yes to things, that I don't want to do because sometime it isn't an abusive scenario but it's the right thing to do. E.g I don't want to accompany a friend to a thing, but I will because it means an awful lot to them.
But of course, it's my fault for not saying NO in a way that people understand. If I said it the right way, it would actually happen. Assholes would magically respect me and not do those things. They'd be like "Oh sorry, I'll totes respect you." bahahaaaa
Right, because we live in a magical fantasy land where if you say no, that thing you said no to actually happens. People immediately respect that no, it's really my fault because I simply didn't say it right?
The only thing you can do is LEAVE.
I told my old therapist that if this was a videogame I'd delete this character and make a new one. I'd pick all the stupid skills that don't interest me, and make a warrior because the game of life is so poorly designed they don't allow for anything else. They suggested I take warrior traits to strengthen my character. I asked if I could just cut out my brain so I didn't have to think anymore.
/end negative angry rant
I managed to get out it by continuing to work on a project. I showed that project this weekend and it made me feel like I could possibly change how people think. And if I can change the way people think, then maybe I can change laws and maybe I can make things better for people like me.