I'm sorry things aren't going well in your relationship. You've been together as long as I've lived in this building, which is some time now, and I absolutely understand that when a long term relationship breaks down it can just be the worst.

But, here's the thing, we can hear you arguing. A little in our bedroom but clear as crystal if we're out on the balcony. We're not being nosy. Just, well, you're being loud. I'm not concerned for your safety or anything, it just sounds like angry yelling, but I feel like I'm learning way more about you and your relationship than I ever wanted to. We've had a good thing going for these last few years now. Polite nods and smiles in the hallway and elevator if we cross paths. I even think we had a conversation about the neighborhood that time when all four of us were riding down at once. What an adventure!

But now? Now I know that one of you never supports the other emotionally and the other one thinks that the unsupported one always starts problems when they know their partner is especially stressed and...it's just all more information than I want about you guys. Especially because I don't know which is which. I feel like our next encounter won't be filled with pleasant nods but rather me trying to determine which of you has taken which position in the argument(none of this, by the way, is helped by the fact that the shorter one's new haircut makes the two of you look an awful lot alike which we'll fake-discuss at a later date) which might lead to awkward stares and...look, I want to keep this as professional as possible.

So don't stop fighting or anything just, you know, less shout-y.

Sincerely,

The taller of the gay guys who lives downstairs.

P.S. If you've determined who I am through my vague message, we should totally get together for that bottle of wine we discussed during that brief conversation. We meant to, we've just been super-busy the last 18 months.

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P.P.S. I know I shouldn't take sides but, honestly, I think I've become a little invested in your fight of late. For the record, I'm siding with the lower voiced one. The higher voiced one does, as you claim, seem like she's projecting all of her own personal frustrations onto the relationship.