With the greatest of respect and love, I give you the following collection of things that I have *not* hit publish on since I had to learn something like tact and dignity. You see, I am full of neither of those things, and am prone to pokerfacedness. This has, as I'm sure you remember, led to hijinks and hilarity.

But the last few days in general have been full of heinous fuckery and thus, I bring you:

SHIT I WOULD TOTALLY HAVE TOLD THAT DUDE THAT ONE TIME IF I WERE TEMPORARILY DEVOID OF MY SENSES.

1. There is no possible way that you did, in fact, logic that. That isn't logic.

2. Now I'm not sure whether to be offended that you think I'm stupid enough to buy it, because you're clearly stupid enough to think it.

3. You know what I'd rather be talking about right now? Anything else in the world. Seriously. It's been like five hours. Let it go.

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4. You know what Adam Sandler gave the world? That clip from Billy Madison where the guy says that everyone is literally dumber for having listened to you. That's you. You're that guy.

5. I mean, if you want to get into a war over who can curse more, I'm going to win. What's more, I highly doubt you've been chastised publicly for using naughty words too much. So whatever you've got, dear, is unlikely to throw me.

6. And the dick pics? I think it's kind of cute that you think your junk is that impressive. I've birthed two children. There is actually, and I include porn and gore and military deathporn videos, not a damn thing in this world that's more fucking horrible than looking into a mirror accidentally when you are halfway through crowning. That shit will haunt you. Next to that, dude, your dick is, well...anticlimactic.

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7. I swear to everything that is holy, I have never run into a functioning adult this stupid. How do you survive from day to day? Do you have handlers who help you dress and encourage you to eat cereal instead of your first choice of some random soap you found in the linen closet for breakfast?

8. Sweetie. You know there's an actual ode to the word cunt in the Vagina Monologues, which as a Certified Internet Feminist I have of course seen weekly since the age of twenty-two? It would be like me calling you He Of The Large Penis. (I am not calling you that.)

9. Swear to God, I'm almost more disappointed in your level of Bringing It than I am in the fact that anyone could actually type those words in that order. I'm actually so bored that I'm responding for science, just to see what level of stupid you'll get to.

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10. OH GOOD LET'S DO BRING RACE INTO THIS! Because nothing says "I've got a cogent argument" like "I'm so ill-informed that I don't understand either genetics or society."

11. Seriously, dude, the shock value to whatever repetitive bullshit you're posting or sending wore off after approximately half a second. Sending me fifty isn't going to make me more shocked, it's just going to eat up a lot of your time. You see, I am a past master at ignoring shit.

12. You clearly think you're breaking new ground here, but darling. I've seen trolls. I've been trolled by people who have dedicated years to perfecting the craft. You, forgive me, are kind of new at this, aren't you? I'm not saying it wasn't great, you get points for exuberance. But maybe next time, you want to relax a bit. Ease into things a bit more. You're really a bit awkward about the whole thing, and it's not helping you create the reaction you're hoping for.

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13. ...Oh, dear. You actually just are this awfully stupid. Oh, please get away. I'm afraid it's catching.

Feel free to add to this in the comments.