You're probably wondering why I've called you here today.
You must have known that something was up when I awoke this morning at 6:30am, crying for no reason, and subsequently shouting, "SHIT!" when I went to the bathroom. That was not a friendly jibe at your wacky timing, by the way. I really meant to put all the hatred and venom I could muster before dawn into that one expletive. I think I did a pretty good job of it, too - there's no way you could have possibly misunderstood my meaning.
However, you're still here and your response has been appallingly immature. Doubling down on the first day of our enforced visit by expelling absolutely ever spare drop of blood, tissue, and plasma in my body (and possibly others), giving my nether regions the look of a horror movie was not funny. No, it's not funny that you referred to it as your "Halloween trick." No, I'm not eating M&Ms by shoving two palmfuls into my mouth at once because I think you deserve a treat. Mostly, I'm just trying to suffocate the life out of you with chocolate and candy coatings.
How long have we known each other now? By my count, it's twenty two trips around the sun, but I'll credit two of those years back to you when you went on walkabout or whatever the shit you were doing while I was in the hospital and then recovering. But still, that's twenty years of being a really shitty guest. You don't even bother to clean up after yourself and you leave me to do all your dirty work. That is not how a polite visitor behaves and it needs to change.
There's another thing I've really been meaning to talk to you about, too: it is so not cool that I loaned you the best spare room in my body and you just leave it any old way you please. I really don't appreciate how you just let that scar tissue build up in and around my uterus like it's YOUR space to keep however you like. I own this body and pay taxes on that spare room, which I loan to you every month for FREE. Your disrespect is really getting on my nerves.
You are the worst kind of succubus. I haven't even been able to get out of bed today (except for the five minutes where I signed for my double onion cheese pizza and soda) because I am so tired and grumpy. Even the cats are beginning to notice how much you take away from our lives during your visits. Their constant meowing and pawing at the bathroom door while I curse your existence and ability to create cramps in areas the seem anatomically impossible is creating stress throughout the household.
And let's not even get started on how you treat my husband. Please, for all that is good and holy, please stop trying to rip his head off when he doesn't present you with the chocolate dipped crullers you just can't live without. You really are such a mercurial and rude bitch to him and neither of us is pleased with this behavior.
I can't even count how many articles of clothing that you have ruined. I demand recompense, and you will find an itemized invoice on page three. Payment is due immediately upon receipt of this missive.
Period, after writing out this litany of complaints that you have wrought upon me, you must have some kind of awareness of how terribly you have been behaving. I can only come to the conclusion that you like treating me in this manner, and if it were anyone else, they already would have been arrested and tried as a sadistic and cruel abuser. What makes you so special? My only reasonable hypothesis is that you have paid off corrupt officials in law enforcement and local politics, which I would find impressive...if it wasn't me suffering the consequences of your dirty, back door, underhanded, and fiendish games.
As we have previously discussed, because of the state of the spare womb and its official condemnation earlier this year, I really have no choice but to ask you to depart the premises immediately. You will not get your security deposit back, as that money has already been used for necessary repairs. If you continue to visit every month, I will consider it harassment and take further steps as necessary. This is your final warning.
I have nothing further to say on this subject, and I will brook no further argument on this subject. I have marked all the necessary places where you need to initial and sign in the enclosed contract formally severing our relationship.
Do not let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
PS. Please accept this parting gift, with my sincere gratitude for your presence in my life: