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Dear Prudence Presents: Doing What It Takes To Get By

It's not fair to ask someone to change who they are, but sometimes it feels that way when people ask us to change the things we do. The first letter comes from a man more than a decade into wedded okay-ness featuring three little kids and a wife who's never been all that into banging him. Therapy's helped, and they've taken some of Prudie's prior recommendations to heart and instituted a weekly "sex date" wherein hubby may obtain sexual congress. This is a big improvement over no screwing at all, but he's concerned about the amount of Dutch courage she requires before submitting to his lusts. He's all like "Okay baby, I've got the candles lit and I see you've finished that big glass of wine," and his otherwise non-drinking wife cuts him off like "Whoa there. I'm gonna need to get like two more of these in me first." As he says, "My drunk wife is great in bed. My sober wife doesn't want to be touched and just wants the deed done as quickly as possible." She says it's not about him, she just needs to get out of her own head and calm down all the internal shit that keeps her from relaxing in the slightest. Knowing his audience, he asks Prudie if maybe they ought to go back and get them some more of that good old couples therapy.

Prudie remarks on the foolishness of going for marriage, kids, and everything when you already know you have mismatched libidos, and raises the possibility that, despite her claims to the contrary, his problem may truly be one of technique. To that end, she recommends "Mating In Captivity" and "The Return of Desire," which are pretty much what you might expect – books from licensed joy-ologists about reigniting passion and "unlocking your erotic intelligence." Then, her advice takes a left turn, which I heartily approve of. If the thought of reading some dumb books doesn't exactly turn their respective cranks, she says to go to Colorado or Washington and see if they might like to change up the bottle of wine for a nice fat doobie. I'm just in love with that idea, and I think it might work! I have extremely fond memories of a pothead girlfriend who always got horny after she smoked, so I am backing Prudie up on this one a thousand percent.


That devil weed rears its ugly head again with a letter from a lady in her late 30's who's having a problem with her husband's pot habit. I'm just assuming here, but I'm going to say that he's smoked weed as long for as she's known him, they used to smoke together, and that there's been a long process with her being Okay with it, then Okay, and now finally Not Okay. See, he "becomes a different person when he's high—he acts unintelligent and clueless," and it makes him stay up late playing video games and eating junk food! She's been on him about it for a while, and he's made little promises, but then she catches him breaking them, so now it's about the betrayal.

Some people think of marijuana like they do Jaeger bombs or slamming cases of MGD every weekend – might be okay in your early twenties, but definitely not grownup behavior. Other people pretty much pick up the bong like till death do us part. In any case, she also knows her audience quite well, so she's neatly ticked off all the boxes necessary to get Prudie to declare him an addict. She says to start with an intervention/ultimatum talk and them point him towards Marijuana Anonymous, which is good because they would fucking laugh him out of NA. Laugh and laugh and laugh. Personally, my idea for a solution is that the husband get a lot better at hiding the weed smokage and the wife becoming a lot more willing to be deceived in that regard.

Prudie's final letter comes from a grad student who likes twirling her hair while she studies. She doesn't specify, but I'm going to assume that this is like a one finger deal, not a full head and neck helicopter motion. Her live-in boyfriend's also her study buddy, and he fucking hates it and wants her to give it a rest. She's like "long hair, don't care" and has not the slightest intention nor desire to stop. Prudie treats the guy's request pretty much the same as she does the wife who wants her husband to put the bong away. People can decide for themselves when something's Not Okay in a relationship, even if the thing that bugs them isn't really hurting anyone. As long as what they're asking for isn't objectively unreasonable, Prudie is way more likely to tell someone to change their behavior than their feelings. She says to keep some barbells by the desk and put that nervous energy to work doing some bicep curls instead. I'd say she's putting her money where her mouth is here, because have any of you seen Prudie's guns? Wouldn't want to run into her in a dark alley.

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