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Dear Prudence Presents: Whack-A-Troll

A couple months ago, a self-described "chubby" lady committed a crime against the universe by posting on her Facebook account that she "felt beautiful." Fortunately, a crusader for justice was standing by, ready to disabuse her of any notion of body positivity. The crusade's consisted of multiple extremely nasty and extremely personal anonymous emails focusing on her weight and her looks. Well, women pick up harassers online all the time, but hers isn't some rando she encountered on a forum somewhere. Her post didn't go viral, so it's not like it could be just anyone – the offender has to be on her friends list, someone she otherwise interacts with normally. On the advice of one of her friends, she pulled the harasser's IP address from the anonymous emails and compared it to those of everyone else she emails with. Lo and behold, she found a match in her best friend's boyfriend.

Adam lives alone, and based on the times the messages were sent I do not believe another person sent those messages from his computer. Adam has always been kind to me, and until my discovery I thought he was my friend. His behavior makes no sense, and I don't know what to say to him or to my best friend. What should I do?


Prudie makes the point that the IP address thing isn't necessarily conclusive, and says to be extra diligent in checking that this guy really is the only possible match out of everyone she communicates with. Beyond that, she says to talk to him first, then talk to her friend. The next time they're out being social, she should speak to him privately and phrase it like "Hey, I happened to notice that you seem to seem to share an IP address with the same person who's been harassing me over email. Isn't that wild?" That tack actually seems like a good idea, because her purpose there isn't to confront him, but find out if it's really him doing it or not, and his initial reaction ought to tell her everything she needs to know. Unless he's a world-class actor it'll either be genuine befuddlement or guilt writ large. I don't like the next part as much, where Prudie says that "If he indeed is the culprit, let's hope that he owns up, abjectly apologizes, and says it will never happen again. . . If he denies knowing anything about it, then say while you think the evidence is strong, you accept that it remains a mystery." I guess maybe that's the mature, adult thing to do, but passing up such an infinitely justified revenge opportunity seems bizzonkers. I mean, you tracked that worm down to the rock he's under, so flip that shit over and let everybody see how gross he is.

I was immediately reminded of a couple different cases – just last week, there was that pregnant lady who found out that her husband was this pathologically vicious racist troll, and he was like "can't stop, won't stop." Before that, there was this Jewish writer in Ireland hounded for years by this horrible anti-Semitic troll, progressing to the point where he had a tupperware box full of ashes mailed to his home address, along with a note reading "Say hello to your relatives from Auschwitz." Eventually, he finds out that it was his friend's kid, now seventeen, the entire time, and the only answer he got as far as why was "I don't know. I don't know. I'm sorry. It was like a game thing." Prudie wastes time "hoping that Adam has a tendency to lose count of his drinks," but fuck it, there really is no rhyme or reason with these types. Adam's a bad person, he got caught, and now it's time for him to feel bad about it.

Then, this guy writes in complaining to Prudie that despite being north of fifty, his dick is just too big and too vigorous. "The first time she saw me naked she gasped. After our first afternoon in bed she was in pain for several days." See, he's got this new, similarly aged ladyfriend that he likes a lot, but the fact that he physically injures her whenever they have sex is really starting to annoy him. Her doctors have told her that she "has nothing organic amiss," and he's generously "suggested therapy or a specialist, but she says the problem is not in her head. I believe that her reaction is now reflexive, but can be addressed." Finally, he signs his letter as "Big Red." Prudie's all like "Before I get to you, let me first make an aside: 'Ladies, I'm sorry, but my privacy policy means I cannot put you in touch with Big Red.'" Yeah, get in line, everyone. Hard to believe that this super stud had previously "been single the better part of a decade." Then she's like "You're not just knocking at heaven's door, you're splintering it." Damn, I don't even have a cervix, and that one made me wince. The idiot puns keep on coming, but eventually Prudie suggests that the problem may lie in his super slam technique, lack of lube, or a fundamental size incompatibility between the two of them. Either way, I'd say the situation's hopeless – even if it's just a matter of him going slower and easier, that old dog doesn't seem the type to learn any new tricks.

The final two questions are about a lady taking a man's name after marriage, and in one case, not giving it back. In the first one, a white lady married a Chinese gent, so now she's a white lady with a Chinese surname.

Yesterday a prospective employer called for a phone interview. It quickly became clear that she was angling to find out my race, commenting that I had "no accent," and inquiring about my "life journey" (meaning, where was I from). I related this to my husband who told me that I should not have taken his last name and that now my decision is undermining my job search.


Prudie says to upload a photo to her LinkedIn account and list her maiden name along with the married one on her resume. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Then, this guy complains that his ex-wife of three years is still going around with his last name on her ID. They apparently agreed that she'd switch it back after the divorce, but she never did and "Now she's pregnant by her new boyfriend." This means that a child, who he bears no relation to, might also be named Smith! Should he put a stop to this travesty or just put a sock in it? Prudie goes with the sock, and says "Your ex is pregnant by another man, which is pretty good evidence she's moved on. Do the same."

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