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Dear Sick People at My Work

Please stop coming in to work when you've been coughing phlegm for a week and have started complaining about a sinus infection. I get brutal sinus infections and I DON'T WANT YOUR GOD DAMN ILLNESS. There are 7 of you that I work in the same room as - and 4 of you are sick. It started with just one.

Look people, I realize that our culture demands that you work even if you might be dying from Ebola - and that in the vast majority of places of employment you'd get 5 sick days, max. However, we work for a union and we have 150 sick days we can use per year. USE THEM! When you make the entire office sick, it kills everyone's productivity.

If you absolutely MUST come in to work, please abide by the following rules:

1. STOP COUGHING IN TO YOUR HAND. It's disgusting. Cough in to your arm - nobody shakes arms when they meet. You are spreading the plague.


2. Seriously, stop coughing in to your hand.

3. Please for the love of God, the flying spaghetti monster, and Rick from accounting - stop describing every one of your symptoms to me. I know what a sinus infection is like, I really don't need every detail. I can only hide behind my monitor so long when you are talking at me without appearing rude as hell.

4. Stay out of my cubicle. This is my space - people in it make me uncomfortable at the best of times - but when you are leaking from every orifice I'd rather you not touch any of my stuff or breathe/cough on me.

5. Wash your hands. Lots. The alcohol hand sanitizers are OK in a pinch - but they are all so incredibly flowery that when anyone uses them around me I basically can't breathe for half an hour. I'd rather that to being sick though.. so.. stay clean.


6. If you don't stop coughing in to your hand, I'm going to tape up your desks with biohazard signs and burn everything.


Your coworker, shockwaver. Please stay away.

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