So every now and then I struggle with becoming fixated on death and my anxiety surrounding it. I first had anxiety about death when I was about 5 or 6 which was prompted by the child’s prayer Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep which made me afraid of dying in my sleep and an uncertainty of what happens after you die.

I don’t know if this new bout is being brought on by getting closer to 30 and losing that “youth” part of my life. Part of me thinks that now that my old workplace anxiety is gone my mind is working on something to fill the anxiety void. My longer commute prompts thoughts like “the more I drive the more opportunities I have to get in a bad accident”.

Most of my fear manifests as mostly the fear of not existing, the void, nothingness. Sometimes I wish I was religious so I could believe existence continues but I can’t make my mind work that way. Somewhat in contrast the idea of reincarnation isn’t comforting either because I wouldn’t be Me and I’d have to go through life again. Sometimes I can comfort myself that nothing hurt before being born so theoretically nothing should be “bad” after death.

I wouldn’t say it’s affecting my life much yet other than a general dread that spikes, but it’s just been very present for about the last month. 

Note: I haven’t been diagnosed with any type of anxiety, though I do think my baseline level is higher than average. I’ve been asking myself a lot this year on whether it is something I should see a therapist or doctor about.