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Death Thoughts (TW)

Me and my dad, when I was a few months old.

My niece and my dad, the day before he died.

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My father died of pancreatic cancer 40 days ago, as many (most) of you know.

I am surprised how I kind of forget about it. His birthday was recent, and I spent a few moments debating with myself whether I should buy him a cutting board from my work. I had even calculated how much it would cost with my employee discount.

I am still surprised how easily he slipped away. I was right next to him. He didn’t gasp for air, there was no rattle. I only knew because his chest stopped rising and falling. It is the strangest thing in the world to check for a pulse and not find one.

I’m obviously glad that there wasn’t a struggle, but it’s weird that death is that subtle. I don’t know what I was expecting, trumpets or something?

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It was also strange when his body had cooled down. I’ve never felt someone’s forehead be that cool. His favorite euphemism for “dead” was “room temperature.” It’s weird how I thought of that at a time like that.

Also weird: Holding his urn on the drive back from the mortuary. Thinking that it could not be my dad in that box.

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(Also, I know you all mean well, but please no “take care of yourself” pep talks. I am, really.)

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