This is going to be me processing what's going on right now, any advice welcome.

Things are just becoming too much around here. Our situation is: We moved to Texas to get to know Mr. BT's family, knowing he would be our income and I would stay home, homeschool, and take care of pretty much everything else. His family is way too different from us, we haven't seen them in over a year. I don't really mind. They're a lot like my family, but if you didn't grow up with them, it's difficult to deal with. He doesn't seem to mind either.

When we came here, Mr. BT took the first job he could get that paid enough for us to get a place to live. That took nearly a month. We stayed with his aunt and uncle (graciously, but with difficulty). With the first job, he made barely enough for us to get by, getting food stamps helped a lot. After a few months, he got a different job, with better pay. We generally do a lot better most months, even not qualifying for food stamps anymore. Mostly that's because of the overtime. Mr. BT works 10-12 hours, 5 (sometimes 6) nights a week. He gets up, gets ready for work, works, comes home, plays on the computer for a bit, and goes to bed. He sees our friends about once every two weeks, that's his only social life.

So, over the weekend, we got in a fight. It started because he was tired and had had a few beers (most of the time that's fine, sometimes it aggravates his situation). He was trying to play with the cat/kids, and they didn't want to do what he wanted to do in the small amount of time he had, he got mad, snapped at the kids and was slamming doors and drawers looking for something. I snapped back at him and told him to go to bed, it devolved into him saying he felt like he was just a paycheck and all the things he has to do, and "fine divorce me" kind of exaggerated out of nowhere. I told him I wasn't going to talk to him when he was acting that way, he took it personally and didn't talk to me for another day and a half.


Finally, this morning I had an email from him. Sometimes that's the thing that works for us, we have time to write and edit our thoughts, then time to read, reflect, and respond without pressure. He apologized, but said a lot of the things he said felt true. He brought up some stuff about how he hates being here, having dark thoughts (he said not suicidal or homicidal, but maybe conspiratorial), and thinking he needed therapy. He said he feels paranoid and scared that he's going the way of his mother. (She was never diagnosed with anything, but she was very paranoid and it destroyed her marriage and pretty much all of her personal relationships.) He also noted that he was aware that he self medicates with alcohol to calm his overactive mind, let his back and neck relax, and help him sleep. He says the hardest time for him is when it's quiet. He doesn't sleep well.

So, my thoughts are that he needs to see a therapist. I think our insurance will cover some of this if we ever get our fucking cards. I have to look into it because we'll have to budget for it and see what we can do. There is public help available, but it doesn't work for his schedule and my friend who dealt with it said they basically see you once every couple months, if you pester them enough. It would be super awesome if he could get a better job, but apparently this country thinks people without degrees don't deserve to ever make it above struggling. Sure, if he had been with the same company for the last 15 years, he would probably be making decent money. But having to start over is damn near impossible.


We're getting a decent tax return, I wanted to invest in a dSLR camera, but now we're talking about using it along with our car to trade in on something safer and more reliable. But then will we be able to afford the car payment and full coverage insurance that comes with it? And what about therapy money? Maybe he could take some online courses to get a better job, school and a 60 hour work week sounds reasonable, right? Why don't I put the kids in our crappy district school and make enough that I can pay off daycare because we don't qualify for assistance if I'm working? Sounds swell. I just feel so frustrated and stuck right now. With my work background, I might be able to get a decent paying job, but Mr. BT doesn't have the patience or desire to be a stay at home parent in the capacity I'm willing to support.

I'm just feeling so frustrated and helpless. I needed to get it out and I'm open to any suggestions regarding jobs and school and therapy. It's hard for me to see a point where we'll be able to do anything but struggle with everything.