Does anybody else who's had a history of depression have this fear whenever you get down or frustrated about something, that it's going to snowball and become this huge unmanageable thing, like a full blown bout of serious depression that lasts for months?
I don't really know what's going on in my head at the moment. I definitely know that I'm frustrated with my station in life right now. I feel incredibly withdrawn and not like myself at all. I don't want anyone around me, I just have this intense desire to keep completely to myself which is not like me at all, I'm normally very extroverted and live to laugh/joke around/ be around others. It's like I'm hypervigilant, just waiting for the next disaster that's around the corner and constantly keyed up/on edge over it. I keep trying to tell myself that I'll snap out of it once I move in May, as soon as I get my own quiet space again and I'm not juggling classes, school, and work, but...things still feel bleak. I can't even get excited about it, really. My mind is jumping to these places like, "you're going to be broke all the time because living alone is expensive, and you shouldn't have bought those new sheets or that new bed, no one will come visit you because you're alienating everyone with your shitty attitude and sob stories, you're boring, you're no fun to be around, you've gained 15 pounds and you look gross, blah blah blah, self defeating garbage..." It sucks. I haven't felt like this since before I went to therapy, like 2010ish, which was really the height of my depression/anxiety/self loathing.
Like I mentioned before, I'm going to take the entire summer off from school and only work 25-30 hours a week, and spend the rest of my time focusing on building back up my resources...resting, exercising, going to all my regular doctor's appointments, reading, spending time with loved ones, applying for school scholarships, et cetera. I know that this is the right thing to do for the sake of my mental health.
I guess I just feel like a shell of a person right now after everything that's happened over the past six months, and it's really frustrating. I want the old me back that was excited about life and loved being around people. I feel like my zest for life just got ripped away from me.
I don't really know what I'm looking for. I'm not expecting anyone to comment with an answer for me. it's just good to know that you guys are here, even though I haven't been active here much lately. GT still helps me feel less alone.