I had a lovely birthday but because I wasn't home all day I forgot to take my meds. So the next morning when I found out that Yung Iroh had procrastinated and missed the deadline to apply for college we got into a fight, and that fight led to me being weepy all day. Then my roommate politely told me she was unhappy with me having guests over all the time and I felt bad cuz I had no idea it was bothering anyone. It's hard because, well, I used to always think people were mad at me. I've learned to calm that anxiety but it currently means it's hard to tell when people are actually mad at me. My empathy radar is all fucked up. I'm either extremely deferential or extremely obtuse.

I've gained weight, a (yes, stupid) cardinal sin in my profession.* Being unemployed means I sit around the apartment all day and stress. This makes me depressed and less likely to get my butt up and exercise even though I literally have nothing better to do. I feel disgusting. Some days I eat unhealthy things because they're all I have left in my pantry and I can't afford to buy anything else. Some days, instead of doing that, I choose not to eat. I get sick with anxiety. I neglect my hygiene. I forget/"forget" to take my meds. And I'm pissed at my boyfriend for having similar bad habits. We're going to have a talk this week about what to do, and I'm so scared. I don't want to break up, but if things don't change that's what will have to happen.

*My other actress friends are on diets. Diets are expensive and literally drive me crazy. My self esteem is low enough already without labeling myself or my food "good" or "bad."