The phrase of the day is, "Did you need something?" As in, "I'm sorry, did you need something?"
Except not sorry. Because if you want something, you should say so. And if you want me to do something for you, there's a word for that. It starts with please.
Officemate is standing in the door way, hands on hips, implying - but never stating - you should leave? "Did you need something?"
Blender refuses to blend fruit and kale for a meal that contains vitamins you can actually digest? Husband stares from the other side, hoping you'll stop what you're doing to help him find shit he didn't put up the last time? "Did you need something?"
Angry, angry sounds from the stomach because of road food on the actual road? "DID YOU NEED SOMETHING?"
Sh*tty K*tty is underfoot, howling inconsolably despite his recently consumed breakfast? "Did you need something?"
Fourteen literal emails about you doing super top-secret shit for faculty meeting you aren't technically eligible to attend? "Did you need something?"
Students sending panicky emails about their first exam in two hours, implying they are suddenly ill. "Did you need something?"
Ashtanga instructor smiling expectantly as you leave class, despite spending half of it falling on your ass. "Did you need something?"
Suuuuuuuper rude contributions to discourse from commenters who should know better? "DID YOU NEED SOMETHING?"
Updated to include: Inspirational emails from a higher-up, which include the factoid, " .... The notion that 70% of people teaching in colleges and universities are no longer tenured or on tenure track appointments is truly sobering and another reason to feel fortunate here." Yeah? Sobering, huh? I suppose you didn't notice that four of the people you emailed that to are adjuncts, did you? Or that a full half are contract faculty, renewed from year to year? (Let's not talk about how many households have the tenure track positions vs. not. That stat is just ... something else.)
I'll be in my office.
IF YOU FUCKING NEED SOMETHING.