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DIY Juice Cleanse: Day The First

Illustration for article titled DIY Juice Cleanse: Day The First

Oh my god, so much juice. And yes, boxed wine and Lovecraft beer that His Majesty acquired last time he was over.


ANYWHO, for those interested I'm doing a homemade version of the Blueprint cleanse, which is basically what they sell at Whole Foods. I get six juices a day, in this order: Green Juice, Pineapple/Apple/Mint Juice (without the mint, Peapod was out), Green Juice, Spicy Lemonade, Beet/Carrot/Ginger Juice, Cashew Milk.

I'm only doing this for three days, which is the maximum number of days I'd ever suggest anyone do this. Yeah, they sell them for up to a bunch of days, but if you willingly want to subject yourself to that there is no help for you.


So far, this actually isn't bad. The juices I get to drink during the day are pretty damn tasty, the green juice especially. That shit is delicious. The PAM and lemonade are also really good. The cashew milk, which I'm finishing now before going to bed, is tolerable. It's like a watery cinnamon milkshake. But because my blender is kind of shitty, there are teensy bits of cashews I have to chew. Probably not in the SPIRIT of the cleanse, but whatever I need the protein. Unfortunately, chewing on bits of watery cashews is making me want to hurl. Will have to adjust how I approach it tomorrow.

But the beet juice, guys. The beet juice. This has to be my punishment for totally screwing someone over in a past life or something. It's awful. Truly awful. Maybe it's because I just really don't like beets, or something, but it's disgusting. Good thing I only have to drink one a day, and can choke it down at home before doing something fun! Like taking a nap!


All in all, the first day wasn't so bad. I honestly thought it would be much worse. There have been small almost headaches, and lots of hunger pains, but I think those should go away tomorrow, now that my body has had time to adjust. Will update you lot tomorrow evening! Hopefully I won't have perished from juice ingestion!

(Yes, I know a cleanse isn't actually 'cleansing' anything. Other than maybe me of my desire to ever consume fruits and vegetables again.)

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