It's not about getting older, that doesn't bother me at all. It's what it reminds me of every single year.

So it is passed midnight and thus my birthday. I'm 32 today. And every year, my birthday seriously bums me out.

When I was young, my birthday was never really about me. I have so many memories of these kinds of interactions/converations:

Mom: "What restaurant do you want to go eat on your birthday?"

Me: "Oh! I really want to go to that Mexican restaurant.

Mom:"Ok."

Mom two days later: "Wouldn't it be so much better if we went to the Chinese restaurant? We all like it better than the Mexican one, it will be much better, yes?"

And we would end up at the Chinese restaurant. Or we would end up at a chain restaurant where they do the whole big rigamarole with the singing and clapping and making the birthday person stand up. EVERY TIME we went, I specifically asked not tell the staff because I hated and felt humiliated being the center of attention like that, but everytime, they would get the restaurant to do it and laugh at my embarrassment. And when it came to gifts, it was the same - I'd ask for something specific and get something totally different and get the comment "See, we got you exactly what you wanted!".

It was like this every year until I moved out when I was 18. I hated my birthday.

All I've ever really wanted for my birthday was for someone to ask what I wanted and organize it. I love my friends, but they just all really suck in this particular endeavour - they are used to me being the organizer of everything, or used to having significant others be the people who do this kind of thing, so they just *don't get it* that I need them to be those "organizers" for me. Years where I've asked that someone else organize basically resulted in little to nothing happening, so I just gave up. And I've never had a significant other who would organize something - I've been single for a very long time and before that, I dated a lot of jerks...

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I try to do fun things to distract me, but this year in particular just had shitty timing due to school commitments (classes, two research papers due, and studying for my comprehensive) that I couldn't do anything special like I usually do. And so all I wanna do is crawl into a hole and try to ignore all those fucking facebook posts coming my way today (am I the only one who finds them insincere? I completely admit to having birthday baggage that would cloud my judgement).

Every year, I just can't wait for March to end so that my birthday is well behind me for another year.