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Welcome To The Bitchery

I have a second date tomorrow with a promising guy. We had a really lovely first date, and alongside seeming like a pretty decent human being, man, did he give me all the loin-al feelings and set my lady boner a flutter.

I almost *did not* swipe right because his profile had photos that clearly indicated he’s super into fitness (he owns a CrossFit gym...) and was ex-military. Those types of men I’ve found usually aren’t into me (I am...not a fitness type...by a long shot) but he had a dorky photo of himself at Peggy’s Cove (I’ve been a few times, my parents live on the east coast) and he went to the Military College in the city I went to high school in - I know a lot of people in the Military as a result, so I figured it could be neat to chat with someone if only for having some common experiences (many people in Montreal haven’t lived in anglophone areas because it’s primarily french).


ANYWAY - the date was great (!), he’s not a cray-cray crossfit type (and we went for beer, so that means he doesn’t follow a super restrictive diet). But all throughout the date, I couldn’t shake the “what the hell does a guy like this see in someone like me?” - my experience is that fitness types like fit women... I’m a full figured physics nerd that does a whole bunch of swing dancing who’s favourite spot in the city is the Library... sigh, and that awful insecure feeling of “the person you find really hot will never ever be into you, why are you even bothering” has been plaguing me ALL WEEK. He’s not a big texter (we do not have conversations over texts message, and that’s fine), but he made it clear that he’d be in touch in a few days to set up a date. And like clockwork he texted me like he said he would to set up a next date (which he had a suggestion and plan for).

But all those days he didn’t text? The tapes running through my head were “you’re such a fool for thinking that a guy with those interests would be into you, of course he’s not going to be in touch” ... “Dudes that good looking are going to be into you, why do you even bother?”.

I hate dating for these exact reasons - sitting with those feelings is hard, regardless if something works out or not. And I have to be careful, if it doesn’t work out, to not feel too shitty about it on a “you’re chubby and plain and thus obviously unattractive, why do you even bother dating at all” spiral which has happened in the past. Most of my past relationships have always started with a whirlwind and its always been to stifled those “you’re not good enough or pretty enough to have a boyfriend/be loved” because the guys were so into me, (even if I wasn’t always super into them).
Blarg, insecurities suck.

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