So I've been really struggling lately with my self-esteem and stuff. I probably have had at least one depressive episode in the last month. It's like every part of my life takes energy and none of it gives me any back. I don't feel valued at work, at home, anywhere. So, yeah, I'm kinda in a shitty headspace right now.
A colleague of mine (another middle manager in our department), who is friends with me on Facebook, rode the elevator down with me today in order to tell me I might want to watch what I post on Facebook because I could make someone at work think I'm complaining about *them*. We've been going through a major computer upgrade, where everyone is getting a new laptop, and of course there have been a lot of hiccups and problems and issues and stuff. And we are a very NOW NOW RESULTS RESULTS type of company. And I have had to be away from my desk for two whole days in a training class that I'm pretty sure I've already taken 3 years ago. I never name anyone in my facebook posts- I'm not totally stupid. But I make generic digs at "I.T" and how incompetent they appear by how they handle our problems. Who on the history of the planet does NOT complain about I.T. or tech help, y'all? Universal, relatable, and usually funny, right?
But no, she suddenly made me realize even on the Internet people are judging me. (Hold up, this stupid ass statement will make sense in a minute). I reserve Facebook for people I actually know IRL first, so I consider that a "safe space" for my particular brand of humor- I am a sarcastic bitch who loves to be funny about how ridiculous life is sometimes. It makes people I know laugh, they give me a "Like", and it makes me feel better about myself. Win/win, right? But NO, now I need to think about "being a leader" and "being an example" ALL THE TIME- sitting on my couch, eating lunch, taking a dump, posting my mindless drivel on Facebook. I ended up curtly saying, "Thanks for the concern," really tersely, scurrying away, and bursting into tears when I got to my car.
Seriously, WHO THE FUCK TAKES FACEBOOK POSTS THAT SERIOUSLY? I mean, if I was posting shit like "My boss is a DOUCHEBAG!" or "Mr. Johnson sure can't lead a meeting or use Power Point, amirite?" or "You guys should hear about all these HIPAA protected details about this claim I saw today!"
I care about the number of claims my people process and analyzing data because the company I work for pays me to. I am really tired of pretending like my life's passion was always to work in a cubicle managing people who deal with healthcare administration. No one's passion was that, dude. We are a publicly traded company, we exist to make money. The product/service we produce is secondary, ultimately, to whether we do it profitably. I know I work for the Empire. I don't want to have to drink the Kool-Aid too.
I really want to just either defriend everyone who works for my company (and probably a bunch of people who used to work at my company who talk to people who still work there), or deactivate my Facebook totally. I need some places where I don't have to try to guess or worry about other people's judgments, or them deciding that any part of me sucks. My corporate overlords don't need to invade every pore of my fucking existence. I generally toe the company line; I try my best to make them money. I don't have to believe in their fucking mission statement. When I am able to find some way to live without working directly in a corporate office, I will do so, Evil Overlords, I promise. I will not fuck up your company in the meantime. Let me bitch about problems I can't do anything about to let off steam without your judgey judging. Ugh.
I hate when work shit makes me cry.