So I've been having one of those nights; the ones where you think you've been doing better, and then all of a sudden some horrible combination of PMS hormones and accidentally seeing old pictures of you and your exboyfriend where he was smiling lovingly at you and you looked so happy combine, and then you spend literally hours unable to stop wracking sobs and crying, fully immersed in the waves of self doubt that anyone is every going to love you again and stay, because no one ever has.
And no one's arguments against you make any sense, because no matter what they say about how great you are, the one huge piece of incontrovertible evidence is right there before you that you are in fact, alone. So all of their help actually makes you feel worse, because Christ, if all the nice things they're saying are true, then what the hell else is wrong with you that despite all of these wonderful things, people still don't want to be with you?
My dad was physically and emotionally abusive, and told us all the time how he didn't love us. My parents both just stopped talking to me after I left for college; I went home for a few holidays still but they refused to pick me up or take me back to school.
I've been in love with two boys. The first was a boy who was my best friend, who I liked forever and then right at the time we started becoming more, his ex-girlfriend decided she was into him again and he chose her over me.
The second is my recent ex. It took four years after the first boy to find him, and he was great. Until he recently broke up with me because he wasn't "in" love with me anymore, and according to him, he hadn't been for a long time. This was after two years of him being clinically depressed and me financially and emotionally supporting us, and desperately waiting for him to be better so we could be real again. Instead, he broke up with me but told me he still loved me, wanted to be best friends, needed to get his shit together and be alone, and that I was the most important person in the world. Two months after we break up he's already dating another girl, and she's invited to Thanksgiving with all of our other friends (but even though I'm his best friend, I'm not invited, because that would be awkward for her. So I guess "most important" is kind of bullshit and I'm stupid for letting that comfort me).
Now would be the time for your stories of how you found love when you least expected it, and stories of how to believe that people will love you, even though it feels like literally every person you've ever loved has completely walked out on you no matter how hard you tried. I'm in therapy, but I'm so tired of being so alone and feeling like it's all my responsibility. And I'm tired of feeling like I just need to keep trying so hard, and it never works. And it seems like what I want is so, so far away - finding someone new, putting the work in to make a relationship, getting back to the point I was at. It's so, so hard. And they'll probably leave too.
Please, GT, tell me that you've felt this way and still had someone love you and you're happy. Please do NOT tell me any The Secret type bullshit of "if this is what you want, then it will happen" because I've already heard that once tonight and I almost lost it. Please use all of your positive logic, because I seem to be constantly coming up with new and amazing negative logic points to combat it.
Also please get up and go to the bathroom and get me some more kleenex. I'm all out and I really don't want to get out of bed.