Well, it’s been many a month since I last wrote an edition of Dr. B.L. Honey’s Useless Advice for Today’s Harlot and many things have changed. I of course am noticeably more tan, having spent the last several months at sea aboard the majestic ocean liner The Oaken Phallus. Leaving home with only my man-servant Raoul for company and a suitcase full of my patent-pending super medicine MorphCaine for solace, I saw every corner of this fine world of ours, from the Pyramids of Egypt to the Pyramids of Las Vegas and everywhere in between.

Sadly, tragedy struck as the country who launched the Phallus ceased to exist while we were at sea, leaving us portless and with a rapidly dwindling supply of Turtle Soup and fine Cuban Moustache wax...the well-heeled guests aboard the mighty ocean liner responded poorly to our tragic circumstances, resorting to Cannibalism with an almost indecent haste, taking to eating the third class passengers even before we’d run out of canned herring.


Bravely commandeering one of the better appointed lifeboats from a gaggle of what I can only assume were very short adults, Raoul and I escaped the carnage and he managed to heroically row us to the nearest port with lax laws regarding the importation of certain medically necessary substances. Relaxed pool-side(which hasn’t stopped Raoul from complaining about the heat every few seconds but that’s staff for you) and in a country whose name I have yet to be able to pronounce but who look kindly upon gentlemen of my persuasion, I have decided to re-open my practice. .

As with last time, I can offer my services forthwith. Offering only the highest quality advice on matters of the heart or, if need be, other organs. As always, such advice should be followed to the strictest letter for best results and is deathly serious. Ask away!