TW: body issues and depression
I'm starting my final bid to boost my milk supply before I got back to work on Wednesday tomorrow morning. I'm... not excited about it. In fact, I'd say I've actively begun dreading it. I have hardly pumped at all today. I want to pretend it's not going to happen. You may be asking yourself "why is she doing this to herself?" I don't know. Stubbornness? Being a control freak? I'm a masochist? I am just not ready to give up but my depression still isn't under control so I'm super emotionally fragile. Baby Haa doesn't reject the bottle. She occasionally rejects my breast. So I nurse her in the morning after a stretch of 5 hours since the last pumping and that's it. I pump the rest and supplement with formula. And that's pretty much how it's been the last 2 weeks. I wish this was easier. I wish I enjoyed it and felt it was a bonding moment. I wish I could stop bouncing from generally okay to hating everything about my situation.
Mr. Haa and I had sexytimes earlier tonight and it was going awesome. I had ordered a corset I got a great deal on thanks to Korra and was excited about the thought of doing something for me to feel better about my postpartum body. I was really getting into it. And then. Baby Haa woke up and since I didn't have a boner I had to get up and go give her her pacifier. I had to run into the bathroom to get a robe (yes my parents/in laws still have access to the baby monitor in her room so I can't just run in there naked) and I caught a glimpse of one of my biggest stretch marks in the mirror. It's ugly and purpley-red and stands out sharply against my pasty white skin. It totally took me out of the moment. We finished up but I wasn't into it anymore and I ended up crying about my body to Mr. Haa again. He keeps reassuring me that I'm beautiful and my body is the way it is because I carried and birthed our daughter and he loves me for that. I do believe him. But I can't quite bring myself to believe that I'm not used up and ruined now that I've given birth. Sad as this is, I feel like now no man will ever want me again.
It's not fair. My husband gets to be a parent without changes to his body. When he changes a diaper, he's considered the world's greatest dad. I get stretch marks, postpartum depression, and my mother questioning everything I do as a mom. I just don't know if I'm strong enough emotionally to keep doing this. I'm so tired of this and I'm only 3 months in.