On the way to work this morning my boyfriend and I were listening to the Bert Show on 107.3 FM in DC and they had a caller who seriously gave me a RAGE STROKE.

So this 22 y/o guy who hasn't had sex with his girlfriend of four years in a year called in. Mind you they do other sex acts, but she hasn't wanted to have intercourse for a year. The reason she gives her boyfriend for this change is that having sex hurts hurts (She has apparently seen a doctor and they can't find anything wrong). The caller goes on to say that it's gotten so bad that she doesn't even feel comfortable getting fully undressed around him recently (HELLO CLUES). However, he thinks that she is withholding sex, because (to paraphrase) "sex is a really empowering thing for women, and they hold it over men's heads when they want something. I think she's withholding sex from me to get me to put a ring on it. To see if I am serious about her and where this relationship is going (After four years of being together? Also, they're only 22?)."

WHUT.

So at this point, smoke is starting to rise from the top of my head. Yes stupid ass caller, in the year of our Lord 2013, the only reason your girlfriend might not want to have sex with you is because she wants you to put a ring on it. YOU'VE UNCOVERED OUR MASTER PLAN. The fact that she doesn't feel comfortable anymore getting fully naked around you all of a sudden is about YOU. She definitely isn't dealing with body image issues. SURELY NOT!!

The answer to this guy's ridiculous question was so obvious to me, I expected the hosts or callers to mention it immediately. I was let down.

Here is a list of reasons the hosts discussed (with the original caller and people who called in):

  • She's holding it over you head for a ring (an oldie, but a goodie!).
  • You aren't good in bed.
  • She's cheating on you.
  • She has lower back problems that are making her lady parts hurt (suggested by a chiropractor who called in!).
  • She has mental health issues (not specified to be body image issues, and heavily implied to be an intimacy problem on her part).

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The fucking caller kept insisting he thought it was definitely because she wants a ring. As people kept calling in, I was getting madder and madder. Seriously you guise, I tried to call in like 10 times to yell at these people but never got through. WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE??

Why is it automatically some maniacal plan on her part to get him to lock it down?

ALSO, WHAT A SHITTY BOYFRIEND. Why are you calling in to speculate about this? Maybe your girlfriend doesn't want to have sex with you, because you're an asshole who talks about your sex life on the radio????

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AHHHHHHHHH! Not a good way to start my morning.