Being a native Bostonian, I'm sure of a few things: Matt Damon is actually from Cambridge, Yankees suck, and if Dunks makes it, I'll drink it.
We hearty New Englanders are busy, cold people who have no time to learn your Fritalian.
I like my lattes like I like my men: sweet with a pumpkin swirl.
But it's that magical time of year, friends, when corporations have moved on from Pumpkin Spice and Thanksgiving and on to Christmas...
Which brings us to these new gems from the Friendly Fritalian Haters:
Yes, friends. Dunks is now making 3 new flavors of latte! Peppermint Mocha, Sugar Cokie, and Snickerdoodle.
As someone who is old enough to remember when Dunks only had 2 flavors and they were roasted, not flavor shots, I was horri-trigued.
And as someone who loves her Clippie friend, I knew what must be done. So join me, O GT, as we delve into the drinks.
Step 1: Acquire the beverages.
I stopped at the 3rd of 5 Dunks on my way home. Behind the counter, a bored teenager asked me what I wanted. I told her and she was slightly confused. Did a crazy lady seriously just ask her to mix all three flavors in one? No, I wanted 3 hot lattes, 1 of each flavor, whole milk, no extra sugar. Somehow, she seemed to sense they were all for me, and told me it was cheaper to get a large than 3 smalls, but I was not to be deterred.
She did tempt me with a pumpkin muffin however to "balance out all the sugar." And yes, at Dunks, they recommend a pastry to balance out sugar.
Step 2. Taste test!
When I got home (yes, with a half eaten muffin—don't judge [two of my teammates were gone today so the kids were nuts]) I noticed immediately that my teenage friend let me down. I only knew what 1 of the flavors was. The other 2 cups were a mystery. One said SS, one said nothing.
Step 3: Start with Peppermint Mocha since I knew what that was.
I was pleasantly surprised to see that it seemed like an actual mocha. There was the frothy hot choco-ness that made me regain faith in Dunks. It seems only the peppermint would be syrup.
And it was good. The chocolate clings nicely to the tongue, there's a pleasant and not too strong aftertaste. When I came back after 5 minutes (to try it luke warm), I was still pleased.
This receives an arbitrary rating off 4/5 Matt Damons.
Step 4: The SS drink
After cleansing my palate with muffin, I was ready to taste the SS drink. And then was confused.
There were flecks of something in my drink! I was about to be grossed out, but then realized: Idiot, it's the colored sugar of sugar cookies. Extra points, Dunk. You know no one checks, but still go the distance.
How'd this taste? Like a sugar cookie...which in liquid form, isn't that great. It reminded me of those icky little kids who drool on cookies than try to shove them in your mouth.
I mean, kudos, Dunks, you've got the flavor down, but I don't think anyone was clamoring for Sugar Cookie flavored coffee.
This receives an arbitrary rating off 5/5 Ben Afflecks...which translates to 3/5 Matt Damons.
Step 5 The no name drink.
I'm not sure if Snickerdoodles are just a New England thing (like rotaries, chicken fingers, and American Chop Suey). But basically, they're a sugar cookie, but instead of being rolled in sugar, they're rolled in cinnamon sugar.
Friends, this was bad. Like, I might as well have gone to HoneyDews bad. It tasted of chemicals that are the byproduct of floor cleaner.
I rate this 4 Derek Jeters! Which is 1/5 Matt Damons.
So, what did we learn?
1. All Dunks wants is to keep us happy.
2. WE are the reason we can't have nice things.
3. Try a Peppermint Mocha latte, you'll be pleasantly surprised.