I was at the gym and to make the time go by faster I usually listen to music and watch tv at the same time—putting on Closed Captioning and reading while I run keeps me distracted from how much time I have left.

After Keeping Up With the Kardashians was over, the red carpet coverage for the Screen Actor's Guild Awards started. HOLY SHIT. The Closed Captioning for this is nothing short of genius. I was laughing so hard while I was reading that people were starting to give me looks.

I was curious about live Closed Captioning so for all of those out there who are curious as well, courtesy of How Stuff Works

Some shows are captioned in real time. That is, during a live broadcast of a special event or of a news program, captions appear just a few seconds behind the action to show what is being said. A stenographer listens to the broadcast and types the words into a special computer program that adds the captions to the television signal. The typists have to be skilled at dictation and spelling and they have to be very fast and accurate at typing.

This seems like an incredibly hard job—but also one bound for numerous errors that will either make people confused or laugh. I laughed.

Anyways, I jotted down a few that I remembered and I will translate for all you lovely people.


Mayoral Streep = Meryl Streep (I laughed very loudly at this.)

Lue Pete Eve Knocko = Lupita Nyong'o (I mean, if they couldn't get Meryl right, they didn't really stand a chance with Lupita's name.)


Jer Michigan = Jeremy Renner

Sham Penny Toast = Champagne Toast

Caroline Her Ratchet (I also laughed really loudly at this. They were talking about Taylor Swift's Golden Globes dress.)


Turned Orlando into pants = Turned around and there's pants (Well, that's a loose translation—they were talking about Emma Watson's Golden Globe's outfit. Which, maybe had the magical ability to turn Orlando into pants, but we'll never know.)

I den Chet forfor = Chiwetel Ejiofor (Closed Captioning should just really give up on names that aren't 5 letters or less.)


And finally...ZOORKS. I honestly have no idea what the fuck they were talking about. Maybe they were just saying Zoorks? What were they saying Zoorks about? I missed the context for Zoorks and this makes me sad. Post what you think Zoorks means to the E! Red Carpet, in the comments. I think it means, "Who the fuck gave these people microphones?"