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Remember when Stephanie Meyer threw a fit because her unfinished Twilight sequel, which was just the exact events of Twilight from Edward’s point of view, was “hacked” and people made fun of it, so she gave up and never published it? No? Well, congratulations on having better shit to do.

Anyway, that did happen. But EL James, copycat extraoardinaire, will no longer stand in Stephanie Meyer’s purple prose shadow — now she will emerge, phoenix-like from the ashes of plaigiarism and spread her Icarus-like wax wings to give you her newest creation!

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Despite spending the last 4 years promising that she was working on “new, sexy” stories, EL James realized that this is the one and only cash cow she’ll ever have, and she just figured out how to squeeze a little more milk from its tired, extended nipples*.

So, with surprisingly little warning, James’s publishers have just announced that in ONE MONTH she’ll be dropping her 50 Shades sequel.

The plot? It’s the events of 50 Shades... from Christian’s point of view. WHERE DOES SHE GET ALL OF HER CRAZY IDEAS FROM?

I imagine it’ll be a lot of musings about solar technology, Africa, business, helicopters, telecommunications, and how much he fucking hates people not eating.

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I also have a strong feeling that it’ll be another, but more obvious, attempt on James’s part to make Grey seem “troubled,” and “misunderstood,” rather than creepy, abusive, smug, and horrible.

Anyway, strap the fuck in because this Consumerist porno party will never end.

*This is a reference to the book, I promise.

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