I feel agitated. Irritated. Upset. My therapy appointment was really hard today. I hated my therapist for a bit, I cried a lot. I felt vulnerable and weak. I am actually considering not going to my next appointment. It's too hard.
She had wanted me to tell my dad what was going on with my PPD while he was here. I never really got a chance (or made one) to talk to him about it alone. We talked a bit but it was more in the past tense. Like "I'm so sorry you went thru that. I know it was really hard." And instead of just saying "oh I'm not over it yet." I just nodded. My therapist was not pleased. She kept trying to get me to allow her to call my dad and tell him for me. I definitely did not want to spring that on him on his last day of the visit while he was home playing happily with his grandbaby. So I finally told her I'd tell him over the phone this weekend. She made me promise to let her call him to check if I did if she doesn't believe that I talked to him. She really stressed that she wanted me to talk to him today still and that gave me a bit of a panic attack. It's like I can't handle the thought of him being sad for me. He is so happy to be a grandpa. I don't want him to think that this is hurting me still. I'm about to cry again thinking about it. I'm really dreading making this phone call. I'm seriously contemplating not going back to therapy. But I know that's not a solution. That's me wanting to avoid as usual.
He left about an hour ago and I already feel the glow fading from the last three days. I felt like a good mom when I was with my family this week. I "faked" it well. I didn't think negative thoughts about myself. I didn't think positive thoughts but I didn't beat myself up. My therapist wants me to start saying positive things about myself but I feel so stupid thinking about doing this. I don't believe anything positive about myself which I guess doesn't matter. I'm supposed to say these things to myself anyways. I'm finding that task to be daunting. I will say I have started back up taking my medication regularly.
Tomorrow I go back to work and I'm dreading every second of it. I don't do well concentrating lately which always makes the days drag on. I can't avoid work forever though either. My therapist seems to think I've withdrawn from my friends, my family over the years and I have to say I agree with her. But I'm not sure how to get myself back because I'm so exhausted all of the time. I don't have time for my job, my husband, my baby, and myself let alone find time to meet up with friends back home every weekend. It all feels so hopeless and pointless.