TW: Body image issues.

I have my first date tonight in about eight months. I'm petrified. I intentionally took time off dating because, well, of my crippling insecurities about the weight I've gained while in law school. I've gained about 15 pounds, and I haven't been able to run as much as I like to.

I reactivated my OKC profile (as some of you may have seen). I freak the freak out whenever I have to think about what to put as my "body type." If I didn't live in such a fit area, I would probably say average, but I'm not comfortable putting that down anymore. I put "curvy," because that can be a nice euphemism for fat, and it's true. I am curvy. But I live in constant fear of meeting someone from the internet and being one of those people that assholes complain about: "why are all the chicks online fat in real life?" And yes, I know I don't want those douches anyway, but still. That doesn't make the fear go away.

I thought I had moved past this. I thought I was ready to get back out there, was I wrong? These feelings come rushing back as soon as I have the prospect of a date.

Objectively, I'm pretty damn awesome. I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm sweet, I'm decently successful in my life thus far, and I love love love sports (not everyone sees this as a plus, but trust me, it is). And I know that I sound like I'm being arrogant now, but oh well, it's true. But for the life of me, I can't get over the idea that these 20 extra pounds (even without them, I wouldn't be thin, but I'd feel better). If I see someone has "fit" or "athletic" on their profile, I don't message them. And sometimes I don't even respond if they message me first. It's like, despite all of my good qualities, anyone who is in better shape than me is objectively a better person.

The guy I'm going out with tonight has "athletic" on his profile. This is making me petrified. I feel like he's going to see me and just be epically disappointed. I just wish I could shake this ridiculous nervousness. And the feeling that someone was initially excited to meet me will have his night ruined by 15-20 extra pounds. My hair is done, my makeup is on, the hyperventilation has slowed down, I look cute for me.

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(The look, for those who are curious):

How do I stop freaking out about this kind of thing?