Like a lobster being slowly boiled alive, I’ve found myself in an untenable situation. Last night was tipping point in many ways. Obnoxious behavior from my spouse has, over the years, turned into what I think is now officially emotional abuse. It crept up on me.

I am in shock. I have to leave. It will be hard. She is ill and controlling. Some is her fault and some not. None of that matters. It’s beome much worse over the past year. It ebbs and flows, but always returns. I accept that even an improvement is only temporary. I see the patten now. I’ve lost hope. I foolishly focused on the good times which are quite good.

Sadly, I’ve slowly lost my friends and not replaced my support system. I called my parents last night to ask for emotional support and they told me about the fucking crazy episode with my sister so I was in a total state of shock. Clearly they are not in a position to help anyone but my niece. The world has gone mad.

My spouse is confused all the time, paranoid, and accuses me of cheating or conspiring against her. She is like a child that I care for 24/7. I can tolerate a lot, but now her drinking is a problem and seriously diminishes her reasoning and emotional stability. I lost it last night and poured out a bottle wine she was drinking and then threw it. Now I am acting like a crazy person and that’s not ok. I can’t even enjoy a glass of wine at home because she will drink to excess. With her meds that means two glasses makes her almost black out drunk and she often drinks far more than that. She drank an entire bottle of wine in 30 minutes the other night and then was confused for 48 hours.

I have lived with this woman since my early 20's. I am terrified. I will talk to a lawyer and then I guess get my own apartment in secret? Slowly put valuables and purchase stuff and put in a storage unit? I am too exhausted to even think about the required logistics. How the fuck does someone do this without blowing up their life and having drama which, hard to believe, I hate? Where does a person start? I am telling my parents and posting this as a way to publicly state my intentions so I don’t back out and become complacent when things feel “better”. I have to do this. No one is surprised except me I am sure.