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Everything I Know About Pregnancy I Learned from Puppy Surprise

I have been female for twenty-eight years. I have a mother, sisters-in-law, female friends who've had children. I've nannied for years. So I don't know if it's just that I'm oblivious (this is a very prominent part of my personality) or if I've just been shielded (also likely), but I have come to realize in my 10th/11th week of pregnancy that I know jack shit about carrying a baby.

This started out as a bra post. My boobs have not stopped growing or aching for two months. I oil them up three times a day because the amount that they've grown is convincing me that they're going to have stretch marks. I'm out of my biggest bras and don't want to buy new ones because they show no signs of stopping. Do I buy new bras? How did my little Target underwire bra become Push-Up Bra of the Century? (My husband: "Is that bra new? It looks great!" I wore it on our first date. I just didn't have jugs then.) I'm torn.

But I only think about bras or anything occasionally because I'm too busy falling asleep. I see pregnant women all the time. Conscious, walking pregnant women! Why are they out doing things when I'm incapable of being on my feet for two minutes without passing out? I haven't been online because it makes me fall asleep. Reading makes me fall asleep. I lay on my back and stare at my ceiling fan. I am asleep every night by 10. I cannot describe to you how lazy I am.


I'm too lazy and disinterested to eat. I've lost 5 pounds. I go down to my kitchen, look around, eat a fig, and slog back up to my bed. I take my vitamins and drink my milk. I make myself a mostly-spinach smoothie in the morning and let myself off for the rest of the day. I have zero appetite.

"This is all normal" says my wonderful doctor, an Indian woman who informs me that American pregnant women are "weird" and "don't seem to know what their bodies are supposed to be doing" (she says these things very kindly, and seems more puzzled than critical, but I can't help but feel that they are directed completely at me). This is the same woman who, when I was talking to her about my IUD, informed me that "your man will think he can feel the strings. They all do. They think they're sooooo big. You tell him you got them trimmed and he will mysteriously never feel them again. Every time". Her words proved prophetic, she seems to know what she's talking about, so I basically trust her on everything.

So what's the point of this? I guess it's to ask if I'm the only one who had/has basically no idea about "what my body is supposed to be doing"? I thought you threw up, got big, had swollen feet and water retention, grew some extra hair, and had a baby. Instead, I read the information for the week I'm in and think, every single time, "Holy. Shit. I am so ignorant." And, should I buy a new bra?

note: getting a puppy with closed eyes totally sucked and I always pretended they were blind.

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