TW for depression/anxiety.
Guys, I am falling apart. I was so on top of my game earlier this week. I had all my work done, I finally made the doctor's appointment I had been meaning to make, I started a new (third) job on top of school, my grades were good - I was killin' it.
And then yesterday it all fell apart. Mr. Toad and my spring break line up this year, which doesn't usually happen for us with breaks. He and all his friends are going on a spring break trip to NOLA, and he invited me. And I panicked. I don't have the money to just drop on a vacation, and he would maybe pay for me, but I don't want him to. I don't like being dependent upon others. I feel so shitty you guys - not even because I can't go on the trip, IDGAF about that and honestly I feel like it would be nice for him to have one last big fun thing with just his friends before they all graduate.
But I was entertaining the notion because I know he wants me to come, so I enter the group message, and they're talking about options for where to go. One friend, we'll call him Tom, says he doesn't like the beach. I say "Tom, who doesn't like the beach?! :P Seriously though I just found out about this so I need a few days to get my shit together, so I'm withdrawing myself from consideration in terms of place. Any of these places would be super fun!"
Then, on of Mr. Toad's other friends, we'll call him Seth, takes it super seriously and spends forever talking about the beach and why they're not doing that and blah blah blah. And it just made me so uncomfortable. I've known these people less than a year. And I'm trying so hard to fit in with them. And getting totally misunderstood, misrepresented, and rejected like that was SO triggering and uncomfortable for me.
See, I feel like I am constantly fooling everyone, tricking them into believing that I belong. And I'm constantly worried, even with my closest friends, that they'll figure out I'm a joke, I'm a fraud, I'm a mess. I'm not worth their time, I'm a loser and totally unlikeable. And I can't tell anyone about this, and I just feel so alone. And I had a total meltdown last night and didn't at all sleep.
So I wound up rescheduling my appointment and all my other responsibilities today, because I just felt like I couldn't do it. And now I feel like shit for not being able to do it.