I’m really trying my best to not overthink this, but I feel like I need to get some of this out of my head so here goes.
We are meeting somewhere that’s roughly in between our two cities next tuesday at 6pm. I feel like there are a few possible outcomes from this talk:
1. He’s got something to say or discuss, but doesn’t want anything further beyond this one talk. Alternately, he’s still pissed about one thing or another and wants to rant at me or justify his behavior during and leading up to the breakup. If this happens, I will get up and walk out.
2. He wants to go back to being just friends or at least cordial for the sake of our shared work at the nonprofit.
3. He wants to reconcile/get back together.
We haven’t had any contact in 7 weeks so I really have no idea where he’s at. I’m a little scared because I feel like I am going into this blind. I know a bunch of our friends have been pissed at him and have had some strong words for the way he treated me, not because I was out there trashing him, but because they saw me heartbroken, taking on his bad behavior, and being totally depleted. So. I’ve got no control over the way others have interacted with him. I actually had told many of our mutual friends to please keep this private, so if anyone has been out there spreading rumors or stirring the pot it is directly against my wishes. Can’t help that.
I guess I just feel like...if he just wanted to brush me off or push this aside or go with a curt “I’m sorry” he could have done that over the phone, in a text message, or in a letter of his own. If he just wanted to clear the air and have it be done, there are easier ways to do it. The fact that he made a point of saying that he is open to talking more and offered to meet me face to face has put a huge question mark on things for me. There are way too many variable to be able to predict what’s going to happen or what that means, but I feel like if he just wanted to be done with this totally or brush me off, there are simpler ways.
Also, the letter I sent...I didn’t hold anything back. I told him all of the reasons why I loved him and wanted to be a safe, open place for him to be vulnerable and real, and that I leaned into our relationship because I saw so much good and so much promise. I told him how much I’ve been hurting by not having him in my life, but that I have strong boundaries around what I need from someone I’m going to be intimate with. The whole thing was part uncensored love letter, part boundary statement, part goodbye/open door for him to not do anything. I literally wrote “I have no expectations, I love you deeply and wish you well no matter what, I am writing this for my own sake.” I was super fucking vulnerable, and he had a huge out if he wanted to take it. So I’m not sure what it potentially means that he’s wanting to spend this time to see me face to face and talk more about everything I wrote. I’m just nervous.