Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery

Welcome to to this rant... which is being typed on a phone, so excuse the inevitable typos and autocorrects. I have faith in GT’s interpretive ability!

So herr honk’s oldest cousin is a creep. He’s in his early sixties and is has always been sorta benignly old-guy misogynistically unfiltered, like making comments on women’s bodies (including his severely learning-disabled daughter’s body - meant kindly, but jeez) and remarking on clothing choices, being super grossed out by women’s medical stuff, shit like that. He’s been creeping me out more and more because he does stuff like hug too long, lets his hands linger on my hips or abdomen, etc; other mutual female friends of herr honk and I have noticed this as well. He also frequently lets his ass crack show and has a baldmullet because apparently only women should groom, I guess. I dunno; I’m not really that fussed about appearances until someone repeatedly comments on mine, but I’m also a little discomfited by how much I’ve seen this guy’s arse, including when he’s stayed at our place overnight and wandered around in his underwear.

So that’s the scene. Now, ffwd to our wedding a couple months ago. It was a casual affair, dressy but not black tie, just anyone who wants to should RSVP and come to a garden party at my close friend and neighbors house, around sixty people, BYO food and beers, cocktails, no gifts. And it was great! We played music and danced and had an after-party that went til 4 a.m., and we were so happy. Creepy cousin, meanwhile, RSVPed like two days before (fine, whatever), turned up two hours after the start (I didn’t particularly mind that) in scuzzy clothes. He then sat down in the middle of the kitchen and literally demanded tape from our host several times, rudely. She didn’t know who he was at the time and asked me later like wtf. Her son also witnessed this and told me that the way this guy was speaking, he’d have thrown him out if it hadn’t been someone else’s wedding. Anyway, he then joined the party and normalcy resumed. Or so we thought...


Meanwhile, herr honk saw fit to mention the discomfort felt by women around creepy cousin. He named no names, but tackled the matter directly. Men: AAAUGGGHHHHHH DON’T DO THIS outside a workplace (thoughts?) if it’s family you can’t escape from or fire - way better to just help keep distance. Creepy cousin denied everything obvi, but now he’s on notice.

That was... Eight weeks ago or so? Anyway, herr honk and I are about to head to the far north for a set of gigs and a holiday, and we’re having another smaller wedding party for the locals up there who couldn’t come to the main one. Creepy Cousin last night sent herr honk an epic-length angry text message telling him and me off for not introducing him to people at the party or spending time with him, and he was so mad that he had to introduce himself to people including my family. (He’s... not central to my life in any way, he was late, there were people I see less often, I was playing music by the time he got there, etc wtf??? Who expects personalized conversation and introduction from a bride and groom, even if they ARE your best friends??? Weddings are busy as fuck!) He complained about and again denied “accusations leveled against him” and said he felt so unwelcome bla bla bla and he wouldn’t be coming to our party up north (which is where he actually lives).

So, I’m really angry about this. I don’t give a shit that he’s not coming to a party - god knows I’ll have less anxiety about greeting people if I know I don’t have to make physical contact with him. But I do give a shit that he saw fit to chuck his toys out of the pram and yell at herr honk about all this, because they have been friends for a long time, though at a distance. herr honk is unaware of how off the rails he’s been lately, treating his wife very poorly, trying to have affairs, landing in court over a dustup in a bar that he claims was in defence of a girl suffering domestic violence but that doesn’t actually seem to have been the case. Anyway, in having this tantrum, he’s decided to draw in herr honk and upset him. I think anyone with any fucking social sense would:

-recognize that someone else’s wedding is not about YOU and you are not entitled to a personalized experience


-grasp that if someone is physically uncomfortable around you, you are not entitled to their suddenly liking you after you explain “that’s not me”

-realize that if you have a problem with a family member where you think they don’t like you enough to your satisfaction, you fucking let it lie and confronting someone over it isn’t going to make anyone says suddenly “well all right then!”



the fucking end. Yay.

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