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Failing at Womanhood (alt. title: just got mah house cleaned!)

I recently started having someone come clean my house every few weeks, but I’d actually never been here while she worked. OMG have I never actually cleaned anything? How many years have I wasted on self-hatred, when clearly this should have been left up to a professional all along. Even in my rare moments of cleaning like a badass, I never got anything this clean.

I had to make some financial sacrifices to justify this because I am not made of money, but good god I should have figured this out a long time ago.

She moved the couch to clean under it! So, instead of spending 5 years hoping there aren’t dead bugs under the couch, she just cleaned it. That doesn’t even occur to me.

She dusted a picture frame - on the wall. Who does that? A person who actually knows what cleaning is. Not me.

I need to take my morning poop but I don’t want to defile the sparkling toilet with my filthy, filthy body.

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This is basically me now, always on a yacht with champagne. This is definitely how I live.

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