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Failing is inevitable

So this morning I was feeling pretty good. I had a full bottle pumped by 8am this morning and my mom and stepdad are visiting this weekend so I was thinking date night with Mr. Haa. So then I'm trying to feed her on one side and pump the other when she starts crying and screaming at my breast 5 minutes later. I try to get her to relatch, hand express some (so I know it's not empty), and she sucks a couple times and screams. So I stop pumping the other side and more her over there. All the while I feel my stress and frustration rising. Mr. Haa is upstairs taking a shower so he can go work in the yard. She starts eating on the other side and same thing, she starts screaming. So I lose it guys. I scream at her "Why do you hate me so much?!", toss her down next to me and begin bawling my eyes out. Of course Mr. Haa hears the commotion and runs downstairs and immediately begins comforting the baby as she screams and cries. He makes the bottle I got this morning. Now she's eating it next to me and I'm fighting back tears of failure.

And I know everyone means well by bringing up wet nurses and how we all would have lived in a herd and passed the babies around, yada, yada but honestly, it doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel like oh so I'm one of those losers who needs some other woman to feed my child. I guess that's how I feel about formula too. I feel really, whatever the female version of emasculated is. My body is already completely gross and ruined and now it doesn't even work the way it's supposed to.

But there's a new feeling that scares me more. I feel like I hate this so much I don't want her anymore. She rejected me. She hates me. I hate how she's making me feel so it's turning into me feeling like I hate her. I resent the way she makes me feel. You guys, I'm a fraud. I never should have had this baby. I never liked kids and always just thought I'd like my own but now I think that was a mistake. I don't like this. I don't like her.


I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to get thru the next two weeks with her by myself. Past that I'm not sure how I'm supposed to raise her when I feel like such a failure. She'd be better off without me. I'm too broken.

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