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Faking it

My dad has been here roughly 24 hours now. My stepmom and their friend who came with are busy cooking up a delicious meal of collard greens, sweet potato casserole, baked chicken thighs and cornbread stuffing, and some kind of yeasty rolls. My mouth is watering. Besides the awesome food (we got cream cheese and walnut stuffed cinnamon french toast for breakfast), it's been so good to catch up and see my dad and stepmom interacting with the peep is really special. She initially was a bit scared of them all, crying and burying her face into my or big bird's shoulder. The peep warmed up to them very quickly though. Especially after this happened. She is transfixed by my dad playing his guitar and singing for her. I'm totally not surprised but it's really special to witness.


I'm working on keeping some stupid feelings that I'm faking and minimizing because I don't want to tell my dad I'm struggling down. I feel like a fraud because I'm playing the doting good mommy, interacting with, changing, feeding her way more than I ever do in real life. I'm trying to be positive and say "see you can do it. you're doing it." Instead of feeling like a phony trying to impress my dad. I started to talk to him about the PPD and it ended up coming out more like I WAS suffering with it and I'm fine now. I'm not fine now. Better, yes. Getting treatment, yes. Although I'm floundering there. I don't feel like the prozac and the anti-anxiety meds do anything (which I know isn't exactly true) so I can't make myself care enough to take it regularly. I'm supposed to be taking meds twice a day and I'm lucky if I do it once. So I have a couple more days there to fess up.

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