Warning: long rant about sister problems. Contains intense amounts of self-pity and Facebook. Read at own risk.

My sister and I stopped talking for a long time. She started talking to our deadbeat father, I couldn't trust her not to tell him things about me that I didn't want him knowing, so we stopped talking. After a while, she agreed to not tell him anything about me and we started talking again, cautiously. Today she made a dumb Facebook status about the person in the porcupine video that was posted to Jez's mainpage playing with said porcupine's whiskers when it's obviously angry, and how she messes with her cats but cats chose humans, and porcupines didn't. I called her out on it on two aspects - first of all that cats chose us, when in reality we captured them and bred them for thousands of years to force them to be with us, and that the video showed a person angering a porcupine by playing with their whiskers, when it was obviously a porcupine that thought the finger was food, as evidenced by it leaning into the person's hand. I checked back a few hours later on a hunch, and sure enough, the comment was completely deleted. I sent her a succinct message telling her that it was really rude to delete it for no reason, especially since she let the status stand with blatantly wrong information, and left it at that since she was asleep. She replied this morning with, the shortened down version, "don't say anything even mildly critical about my posts on my Facebook, it's hurtful". I was confused, and very angry, for a reason that I have to backtrack to explain.

A few years ago I was struggling in college. I was working on being a computer engineer, but the third math requirement for engineers was kicking my ass and I failed it. Twice. This was a source of great embarrassment for me, a lot of pain, and the eventual changing of my major. The only people that knew about this were my boyfriend, my mother, and my sister. At the same time, there was a discussion of merging my sister's college with the college my mom was going to attend in the fall, which was great for my sister's college but terrible for my mom's future college. I got into a debate about it with my sister's roommate over Facebook. I didn't think it was any big deal, until she started taunting me about me failing said engineering math class and changing majors out of the blue in the middle of the debate. I had never told her this. I barely knew her, and I had never authorized my sister to tell anyone. I immediately stopped replying and turned to my sister to get her to get rid of it and talk to her, as, once again, I didn't even really know this person and I had no idea why she thought that was appropriate. My sister's response was "I got her to delete it, but I don't see what the problem is. What she did was perfectly fine." I haven't forgotten this, the fact that when it came down to something that was very personal and painful for me, she first shared the information with someone who had no reason to know it, then defended said friend for attacking me using that information. The callousness that she showed towards me was honestly probably one of the most hurtful things she's ever done.

Okay, back to the present day. Her argument of "anything mildly critical is hurtful" pissed me off because it was very convenient for her to suddenly care about what's hurtful and appropriate on Facebook once it affects her, and to still not give a shit about what she did that really, really hurt me. So I told her this. Her reaction was to tell me that if I didn't "wipe the slate clean", as in forgive her without her even apologizing, then we couldn't be friends again. Once again, very convenient that it's my responsibility to get over what she did to me, while she gets to not care some more. She also claimed "that was then, this is now", as if her opinion on that whole scenario has changed because her morals have changed. Fair enough. Her reaction after I told her that I couldn't just forget what she did because it was convenient for her was actually fairly reasonable: "What do you need from me to get past this?", but it was followed by a (paraphrasing here) "because obviously this doesn't upset me at all, so I want to get you to where I am." I then proceeded to explain to her that the fact that this doesn't upset her at all is the problem here; if in reality her morals had changed, it should upset her that she did that to me, and it should upset her that her friend did that to me. She then decided my tone was too angry and that she refused to talk to me if I was angry. Yes, I was angry. I was angry that in her head, this is something that shouldn't upset me anymore and shouldn't be a big deal and therefore she's in the right by feeling nothing over what she did and what her friend did, like she's the "bigger person" and I'm being petty. I was angry that she wouldn't even acknowledge that what she did was wrong, while trying to claim that she thinks differently now. To be fair to the point of "you're too angry to talk to me, I refuse to communicate with you", all this manifested in calling the stuff she pulled "bullshit" and told her that she broke my trust; not like I was calling her names here.

I've basically concluded that we shouldn't talk again, probably for another extended period of time. Now that this is something that's at the forefront of my mind, the huge amount of anger that it elicits in me is going to be there, and I don't really have any interest in talking with someone that I really, firmly believe only cares about me as far as it affects her. The reason she took her roommate's side over mine in the initial problem was because she saw her roommate every day and me only on breaks, so taking my side would have caused more immediate problems for her; the reason she cared about "what I needed" to move on is because she didn't want anger directed at her anymore and if she just asked and I said "Say X, Y, and Z", she could do it without thinking or meaning it and then she wouldn't have to deal with me anymore.


I know it's probably not right of me to begrudge her her criticism-free posts, dumb as I think it may be to post posts that are criticism or that have something wrong in them and then ask for that, because of an issue that happened a year ago that has very little relation to it. I also know that it's very #firstworldfamilyproblems to talk about the hurtfulness of reactions to Facebook posts as the most hurt I've experienced from my sister, lol. I just am really not able to fathom what's going on in her head, and now the wound is refreshened with a "remember, I don't think there's any problem with sharing sensitive secrets with people you barely know and then those people using them as weapons against you in a public sphere so hundreds of strangers get to know what was meant for three people!"