TW - depression, anxiety
So last night started off pretty scary. I was feeling triggered and angry the entire ride back from the Dells. Even though I had a fun time. I don't know if it was from seeing everyone at the waterpark in their bathing suits or from drinking while on an antidepressant or both but holy fuck did I loathe myself yesterday.
I convinced myself that my husband hated me and my friends just put up with me so we would help them pay for the villa. No one likes me on GT (not true but boy did I feel like it). I stewed the entire drive back (roughly 3 hours) and snapped at my husband who had no problem snapping back at me. I came home and just hated my life so I decided to nap. I wanted to take a quick cat nap but nope I slept for over 2 hours, my husband thought I was mad and ignoring him. When I woke up I felt groggy and knew I'd slept too much. I also realized that I hadn't eaten anything since the egg bake we made for breakfast. I had absolutely no appetite and all I could think was "good maybe I'll lose a couple pounds."
I begged my husband to pick a place to go to dinner (since everything sounded unappealing to me) so we could get out of the house. At first he didn't think I really wanted to so I began crying and yelling at him that I'm telling him what I need and he's ignoring me. Eventually he talked me down enough to decide to go to a pizza buffet. I stuffed my face and felt like a different person. We came home and had amazing sex and stayed up late. I was feeling okay when I went to bed. But this morning I'm back to not really liking myself much. It's definitely not as strong as it was yesterday. Since I napped too much, too late yesterday I slept shitty, waking up every few hours for a half hour at least. We have to pick up the peep later this afternoon and I can feel the anxiety stemming from it building. I'm constantly looking at the clock and thinking "we have to get her in blank hours." The thing is I miss her. I can't wait to see her and snuggle her but at the same time? I'm fucking terrified at having to do this mom thing again.
I'm sick of feeling the way I do about myself all the time. I loathe myself most days. And then I come to Internet and spew my self loathing to you all and you all feel sorry for me (or laugh behind my back idk) and I feel even more pathetic. I just want to reasonably like myself most of the time. I obsess over every stupid thing I say or do. I'm convinced that I'm not smart enough, funny enough, pretty enough. I got here by mistake and since no one wants to be mean to the depressed girl you all just put up with me and pat me on my head and tell me it'll be okay, I'll be okay. I just don't know if I believe that. Drugs aren't able to make myself think I'm a decent person. Therapy I just can't get myself to open up so I feel like it's really been a waste of time. Maybe it'd help if I could fucking get in to see her every two weeks like she wanted. Too bad my next appointment isn't until April because that's how fucking filled up the schedule is. I'm starting to feel like I'm unfixable. I can't make myself vulnerable enough to get the help I need.