Rambling personal issues ahoy.

A couple of my work friends just went out to get coffee - and didn't invite me. (That sounds so much less serious written down like that.) I feel left out! Because they live in the same-ish direction, sometimes they'll get dinner or drinks and talk about it the next day. Then I feel even more left out.

And it's totally my own, I dunno, paranoia? Anxiety? Whatever it is, I know it stems from some past childhood trauma where my so-called "friends" decided I wasn't cool enough to be their friend so they started leaving me out of things. They'd have a sleepover during the weekend and "forget" to invite me...then spend the subsequent days talking about all their inside jokes. They'd decide to eat lunch in a different place without telling me, so I'd be left alone. Or if I tried to find them or ask if I could join them, they'd act as if I was just so desperate and so pathetic. Or they'd "let" me join them but seem so annoyed at my presence. (I know now that they weren't good friends to begin with but to this day, I have an intense fear of seeming "desperate" and wanting a relationship - friendship or otherwise - more than the other person, which I realize has kept me closed off from those relationships in the first place.)

When my friends NOW do things without me, I guess I feel like I'll eventually be frozen out, or that they intentionally didn't invite me. I know that's not the case here...I just can't help but wonder why didn't they invite me to get coffee with them? Watching them run out together and wanting to go with them but not wanting to seem desperate enough to ask (OR WORSE asking if I could join and them feeling obligated to say yes but not actually wanting me there) made me feel like I will always be that awkward, lonely, pathetic adolescent - no matter what I do.

Ugh. I know this is all sorts of juvenile and so unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I just needed to get this out.