So a bit of an update on the old postpartum depression. A couple weeks ago big bird and I got into a huge fight where some mean things were said on both sides. I think I finally persuaded him, in the aftermath of our fight, to make an appointment to see my therapist. He needs help learning to talk to me about my ppd and his stress. He bottles it up inside and then explodes into a rage when it becomes too much.

He hasn't made the appointment yet and I'm nervous to nag him too much to do it. I mentioned to my therapist he would be calling so she's sort of expecting this. I'm a little bit frightened about what is going to happen here. When I saw my therapist last I told her all about the fight and how he told me he didn't think I was trying hard enough. She asked me "Do you think you're trying hard enough?" And I said yes I AM trying REALLY hard. I have bad days but I'm the one in therapy trying to overcome this. So that gave me a little more confidence to know that what big bird said wasn't true. My therapist also thinks I'm doing way too much, too soon. She had originally wanted me to commit to playing with the peep for 10 minutes a day so the fact that I'm dealing with her so much alone concerned her. A part of me feels like yeah maybe it's too much. But I don't think big bird can deal with the stress of essentially being a single working dad. I don't think that's fair. At the same time my therapist made me feel better about only being as far as I am in my progress and urged me to cut myself some slack. It would be good for big bird to hear this as well from someone who is not me.

At the same time I worry that he will use that as an excuse to dismiss her. He doesn't believe in therapy and already is skeptical about it. I could see him resenting her agreeing with me. He does need therapy. Not only is he dealing with my PPD but his father is essentially dying from cancer slowly. It's been really hard on the whole family but especially big bird. His parent rely on him so much.

The therapist also wants me to start bringing the peep to sessions soon. She wants to help me correct the negative self talk I engage in when I'm feeling anxious about caring for my daughter. I guess I haven't done a particularly good job about doing it on my own but I'm really scared of this. What if peep hates me the entire time and the therapist things I'm as awful a mother as I feel sometimes? A real person is going to be judging my parenting. I'm terrified. I was feeling a lot better about my PPD earliest last week. I feel like all the wind was knocked out of my sails and I was deluding myself into feeling better. I don't know, therapy really sucks sometimes.