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February Funk

Ugh, I’ve been in a funk for the last few weeks and I just can’t seem to shake it.

I’ve been trying to hang out with friends, get out of the house but most days it’s difficult to get up and moving. And I’m lucky that this semester I’ve tried really hard to connect with the students in my classes and it’s paid off - they come to my office to chat and ask for help and the atmosphere in the classes are good. Most days, I can motivate myself to get to work because I know that I’ve got a good couple of groups that I’ll be seeing in my classes.

But man, I feel so lonely. No matter how hard I try, I find it difficult to believe that “this too shall pass”. I think I’m finally ready to maybe start going out on dates, but I can’t help but feel “What’s the point? You’ll meet someone and he’ll just bail like last time”. Even though logically I know men aren’t a monolith., I can’t help but feel like I’ll get hurt no matter what. I’m torn between trying to start dating and finding a relationship and my fear of getting hurt again (cause the last time, it really really fucking hurt.)

I’m also staring down my 35th birthday in about a month and can’t help but feel also like “who’s gonna want to date an old lady like me?” (I get that this is ridiculous and plenty of people want to date a 35 year old woman). A big part of this funk is just feeling sad about not having the kind of intimacy and emotional support that comes from a relationship.

I’m trying to take better care of myself - I eat better, my apartment is more clean than it’s ever been, I’m trying to exercise. I’ve also stepped way back from helping to organize dance stuff which has been somewhat frustrating to get the event organizers to accept. People are just incapable of hearing the word “no” and accepting what I’m willing and not willing to do. It’s becoming increasingly frustrating to tell people “I’m willing to do X, and not A, B,C,D,E”, giving them plenty of time to find people and then keep getting asked to help with A, B, C, D, E. Even though I’ve repeatedly told them for months that I won’t do it this year and won’t be around. I’ve literally had to copy and paste the same email section outlining what I’m willing to do 3 or 4 times. Not having that being understood (or the assumption that I can be guilted or convinced otherwise) is exhausting. I feel like no one is listening and it’s really tiresome.
To be frank, this situation along with the relationship feelings are a big part of my funk.


I’ll be glad when the February Funk is over.

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